Changing Churches

I'm in the midst of finding a new church. I am hating every minute of it.

My church wasn't a bad place. It was just a bad place for me. For many reasons and I take my share of the responsibility, I felt lonely. I felt the kind of lonely that had me in tears every Sunday before getting to church and after leaving it.

It hurt. Lots. It got so bad that I felt the pain of it starting Friday and lasting until Wednesday. You might think I'm exaggerating. I'm not - it was that intense. You might think I'm being dramatic - you're probably right. I come from a culture that is dramatic - they feel intensely and are very vocal about it. I inherited the intensity, I'm just not vocal.

I love community. I love sharing life with people and being involved in theirs. I love knowing and being known. I am loyal. I don't give up easily on people. Every time I saw someone leave my church - I hurt for them. It felt like a tearing apart and it broke my heart. Even those I didn't know personally.

And, now it is my turn and I hate it. I spent five weeks not going to church at all because it hurt so much and felt so lonely. Then God insisted. I spent the last two Sundays forcing myself to go to a different church, just to go. Still hating it. I told God that I was happy with just Him and I on Sunday mornings, listening to an online broadcast from IHOP church. But, He wanted me to go to a church here. Still hating every minute of it.

I truly wish I didn't have to leave my church. But, my last Sunday there utterly crushed me. There must be a church family out there where I won't feel so lonely, where I can connect with people, where I can give of myself, where people will notice quiet little me who has so much to offer but doesn't know how to do it, where I'll have somewhere to go for Easter and Christmas and won't have to spend them alone. I guess that is the hope to contrast against hating every minute of this process.

Practically speaking ....

Months and months since I wrote. I've had a lot of thoughts on what to blog, but never the time to blog.

There's a bit going on, and I'll update that later....

For now, my thoughts.

Last night at homegroup, we discussed relating to God in a loving way. I find we talk a lot about what our relationship with Him should look like, and how we should see Him. My big question is how do you do it ? All of our ideas are quite lovely, but they are really useless if we don't know how to apply it.

For example, we should see God as a loving Father. How do you do that ? What does a loving Father do when you screw up? What if you didn't have a father ? What if you had a father that wasn't loving ? What if you did have a loving father, but he wasn't perfect all the time. How do you interact with Someone who is like no one else you know ?

Fortunately, He does not expect us to get it. Actually, He expects us to NOT get it. You see, I think God is really practical. He knows that we learn how to relate by trial and error. And, I think we learn by testing. I don't mean the kind of testing that is all about proving Himself. I mean the kind of testing that is like showing Himself.

I think we set ourselves up for failure when we use all encompassing statements without looking at how to practically get there. Statements like you have to believe God loves you. Or you have to trust God.

The important part is how do you get to that place of trusting God. Or how do you get to a place where you know He loves you. How do you get there ?

Hate Goodbyes

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I don't like goodbyes. It is funny how friends see things that you don't. When she said it, I realized it was true. I really don't like good byes. Like really don't like them. Even when it is people I met for a couple of days. I don't like having to say good bye to them. Its like a bit of my heart is being torn out. It sounds silly and exagerated to my own ears. But, it is true.

At one point in my life I had stopped allowing myself to care and be open with many people . I'm not sure when it happened. But, this spring at IHOP the Lord kinda broke that down and my heart opened to a lot of people instead of a select few. Then, those people went home after our Commission ended, while I decided to stay.

My first days were miserable - I would cry almost every time I had to go to class. Luckily, my mom was with me and that made me feel less alone. Then she went home. And, I felt alone again. Shortly afterwards the Lord pointed out to me that I wasn't opening my heart to the new people in class because it would hurt too much when I left and I thought that I just wasn't going to be there long enough. So, I decided to open my heart. It was better to love people than to be alone out of fear.

When it was time to leave the Lord had some wonderful friends from back home who just "happened" to be passing through Kansas City to help. It was such a gift.

Then, I stopped by a friend's on the way home. I spent four days there. And, cried when leaving her place. It was weird, I wasn't used to all this crying. She's the one who pointed out my dislike for goodbyes.

Then, I come here to a little retreat house where people come and go. I meet them, I chat with them, I learn a little about who they are and then they leave. Lots of them. And, I can't not care about these people. When I decided to open my heart with my new set of classmates - it really opened. And will continue to be open unless I chose to close it. I won't do that.

Email helps, staying in touch helps, but I really DO NOT LIKE goodbyes.

Its and bits

Nothing of import happened in the last few days .... so here's some bits of thoughts.

It thundered and lightening-ed yesterday. Huge, immense gusts of wind. Apparently this is normal for this area in the mountains. Of note - none of the trees or houses fell over. It definitely commends building well, and building on rock.

I miss Chinese food and popcorn. But, I love Swiss cheese.

I went to bed late last night. My brain feels like painful mush.

Tomorrow is Monday, staff's day off at the Retreat House. It means I'll be fending for myself for lunch and supper. I sure hope it doesn't downpour tomorrow...it'd be a real pain making my way to the village in such yucky weather.

I must buy chocolate.

I love this place. It is such a huge blessing to be here. It is beautiful, peaceful, full of friendly people who speak to me in English, even if some of them work really hard to do it.

A life that flows

A life that flows, that's what I want. There's been a couple of little hints about it the last few days. A life that flows is one where work, worship. family time, relationships, God time all flow one into the other. It is tricky to find that balance.

One of the hard parts is work. To have a life that flows, my job has to be one I can dedicate my heart and life to. I think the job of being an at home mom is the best example of that. You never stop being a Mom. It is part of who you are. Sadly it doesn't pay enough and it is not possible for me right now.

So, assuming I have a job that I can dedicate myself to, the tricky part is to not over-work and not lose my identity in that job (hard for Moms I hear). So, that pulls the God time into the picture. God time is what decides my identity. Finding the balance for all this requires that I anchor it in my relationship with God. Out of that the rest blooms. If that suffers, the rest does as well.

That's my little plug for God time. And, here's another one.

A life that flows blows the idea of boundaries out of the water. I'm starting to realize that I don't like boundaries. Boundaries that set apart work hours. Boundaries that set apart relationships. Boundaries that set apart God time. I'm not talking about not doing those things - I'm talking about responding to each area in my life as the need arises. And, the only way to be able to respond appropriately is by having an ongoing, minute-by-minute relationship with Holy Spirit. After all, He knows everything (me, my energy, my needs, other people, their needs, my job and its requirements, my finances...I mean everything) and only He has the wisdom that can balance everything and that would allow me to do everything He has asked of me. This requires a sensitivity to hear God's voice and direction and a trust that He is directing. (Have to be careful though - it can so easily lead to pride, self-reliance and a God complex)

Not a pleasure trip

I've been in turmoil. There is a conflict between the things I would love to do (ie explore Europe) and what seems to be happening with this trip. I'm here in Amden, at the Bartimaus Prayer House and I keep thinking about all the time I've been wasting. I've been sleeping a lot and haven't even been able to explore the area I'm in as much as I would like. And, I've kept thinking, what will I tell the people back home. I have no excuse for not galavanting around Europe, and it's what I want to do....why can't I bring myself to do it ?

I realized my problem this morning. I've been viewing this is a pleasure trip. It isn't. It is a trip that God brought me on for His own reasons. And, His plan isn't for me to explore Europe. Its for something else. Maybe lots of somethings else. The thing is I don't know the plan. And, that's hard....not knowing. Because it feels like I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not doing things and I'm not enjoying myself and I'm feeling bad about not enjoying myself. It gets messy. But, my perspective was wrong.

If I view this as a God healing and dealing with me trip, a lot of the turmoil clears up. It means that I don't have to worry about doing a lot. It means it is ok to feel crappy and tired because healing is often physically and emotionally painful. It means that my focus can be on connecting with God instead of figuring out what to do next (and feeling crappy because I can't get myself to do it).

All that being said - it still feels like I'm a big wimp, even though I know that it takes a lot of strength to be weak and depend on God. My hope remains in that this is all worth it, because I am coming out of the wilderness.

"Who is this coming out of the wilderness leaning on her Beloved." Songs 8:5

A man in a cave

This morning I met a man at breakfast who lives in a cave. It was quite cool. Its Switzerland, mountains everywhere - makes sense that there would be a cave and that a man would choose to live in it. He spends his summers in the cave and winters in Zurich. Buys his food in town, but gets his water from a spring and baths in a little area a bit away. Says that life is good that way. He was a quiet sort.

Day in Basel

I decided a walking and bus tour of Basel was appropriate. After all, I don't think I'll be back before I leave Switzerland. Basel has all sorts of neat winding streets. 8 Francs gave me the right to jump on and off all their buses and trams. But of course, the city was best seen by foot. And, it really is small enough that you can walk to most of the interesting sites. Here's some of my favorite shots:

A winding street

Basel Town Hall

Old Town Gate

Puppet Museum

And, I had to end my evening with Chinese food from Mister Wong's.

First Days in Switzerland

So, Switzerland so far ...

I had a lovely trip from Ottawa to Amsterdam with my parents, who were continuing on to Cairo. I love planes and it was nice to travel with them.

I arrived a little late, but to a welcoming friend who picked me up at the airport with a bar of chocolate in her hand. Definitely a Swiss welcome.

So far we've visited the villages of Thun, and Amden. Both beautiful. The water in the lakes is amazingly clear here - I mean, you can see the duck's feet in that 3rd picture. I'm really tempted to taste it directly from the lake - but, I've been Canada trained to suspect all water.

These pictures were taken in and around the village of Thun.

Next I'm heading back up to Amden for a nice 10 day retreat in the mountains. I'm really looking forward to that. Some get down with God time. After that ... .who knows, hopefully God will reveal it soon.

Quiet Days

Its been quiet the last couple of days.  Our class does not start up again until tomorrow.  I'm doing the 10 day session.  Its entitled "Cultivating a Prophetic Spirit".  Prophecy, since the day I heard of it, has fascinated me.  I'm sure we'll cover the basics - Fast, Pray, Clean Eyes, Pure Heart.  But, I'm hoping there's a little more to it than that.

So, the last two days I've been hanging out at home.  I have a slow start to the day, eat breakfast, read my Bible, journal, nap, eat lunch, head out to the Prayer Room, come home, eat supper and watch a bit of TV, maybe finish off some tidbits then go to bed.

I've had to Theme kinda things over the last couple of weeks.  Things that I'm learning, watching my thoughts on and changing my thinking about.  The first was - comfort from God, not looking to other people or things.  That's a big one for me.  And, I definitely don't have it under control at all - but, its better.  Except for the eating - right now my ability to control what I eat sucks.  Number two - no more doing things out of guilt and no more allowing myself to feel guilty.  That's another huge one.  I never realized how much guilt and fear of hurting/upsetting another (or God) actually drove so much of what I do.  

This coming weekend is the Israel Mandate conference.  I've never been compelled to think or pray about Israel, but apparently it is a big deal to God.  So, this coming weekend I get to hear a little bit more about it.

Summary of the summary

It's been awhile since I really blogged.  How do I summarize all that God has done.  He is working on all of me, changing how I think about things, about Him, about me, and giving me new ways of dealing with life, people, situations, hurts.  I feel like a child learning how to do life in a new way.  My reality is changing.

There is still more that I want from God.  I want His love to be real to me.  So real that I never doubt that it is unconditional, and encompassing.  

I've heard them say here that God doesn't only love you, He likes you, He enjoys you, enjoys who you are.  I want that to be tangible to me.  God's job is to change and convince me.  Arrogant and demanding perhaps, but only God can change a person's heart enough to hear the words He whispers in their ear.

I'm developing a way of praying that gives me structure, flexibility and is effective.

I've received some wonderful prophetic words.  They do not prophecy, mates, dates, babies or direction.  They prophecy according 1 Cor 14:3, for comfort, encouragement and strengthening.

This month we've learned about Hosea, and Song of Songs.  God's theme this month has been He is deeply personal and highly emotional.  It is so true.  This is the last week of our Intimacy month.  Last month we learned about Joel and the end times.  It rocked, it gave me the first hints of a dream for my life.

I'll be here another two weeks.  That's it.  The Lord has plans for me elsewhere....I will save those for another blog.

May 18th

We did an overview of Song of Solomon in class today.  We're spending the rest of the week on that.

This morning, a thought....

God doesn't always fix situations He changes our heart.  Its like I clued in.  I pray because someone is irritating and overbearing, but I have to deal with them daily.  I figure God's going to fix the situation - make it so that I don't have to deal with that person.  Nope He doesn't.  I'm so fixated on God changing the situation and ticked off that He doesn't - I miss what He is actually trying to do which is change my heart.  And, because nothing actually happens - I think God is not answering my prayers.  Whereas the truth is - He is trying to answer and I won't let Him because I'm too busy trying to get the answer I want.  

If instead of working to get the answer I want - I let God do His thing, my heart would change, I wouldn't be annoyed and the situation would be resolved - FASTER !  Maybe even as fast I would like it to be resolved.  

Not yet ...

So, change hasn't happenned yet.  Well, change has happenned, but it isn't the change the brings me out of the wilderness.  Mostly, I've been drawn in even deeper.  Grrrr....I've encountered areas of such pain that I cringe with.  And, yet still frustrating is the complete lack of a visible reason.  But, its good because I'm learning about mercy and grace in ways I've never experienced before.    Y'know a relationship with God is an experience.  You experience His mercy, when you do things that make you feel really guilty and He removes that guilt.  You experience His grace when you've gotten yourself stuck into a tight ugly spot and He pulls you out.  Religion is about experiencing God.

Yesterday we went on a picnic with our class.  It was nice.  Then a friend and I drove around for 3 hours, admired nature, gawked at beautiful houses and architecture and did a little shopping jaunt.

Through the Wilderness

End of February 2006 the Lord gave me this scripture about my upcoming time.  

Hos 2:14-15

 14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; 
       I will lead her into the desert 
       and speak tenderly to her.

  15 There I will give her back her vineyards, 
       and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. 
       There she will sing as in the days of her youth, 
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt."

The desert(aka wilderness) is not a pretty place; it is dry, arid, lonely.  It makes you thirsty and it makes you hungry.  So, God told me I was going to go through pain.  Hmmm....that's always what you want to hear - NOT.  

But, there is a promise in that scripture.  The promise is that God will speak tenderly to me and give me back my vineyards (aka good things), there will be hope and that I will sing (aka as a carefree child sings).

That began a time of unraveling in my life.  And, the first thing that really did me in was having to go on stress leave from work.  It was the first time in my entire life that anyone in authority did not like me or my work.  I did not know how to deal.  Then, God started releasing my emotions - that was messy.  There's a reason that they were all locked up. Even after I came back from stress leave - I experienced ....uhm, intensely troubling emotions.  

Many things unraveled during since then.  Its been hard, but good.  Try falling apart a whole lot and then discovering that there are even deeper levels of falling apart that you hadn't even experienced.

A friend asked me about a year ago - do you still feel like you are in the desert ?  I said yes, until I'm in the Promised Land, and fruitful (aka doing something useful, aka vineyards), then I'm in the desert.

Its been three years since God first highlighted that scripture to me.  Today, I think - I hope, I'm finally near the end.  Here's why:

I'm at IHOP-KC attending a course that highlights the book of Hosea.  Yesterday, I was a little ticked that my instructor seemed to have skipped the above scriptures.  But, its because He was supposed to mention it today (which he did).  This evening the same scripture was mentioned again at a service that I usually skip.  That's twice in one day.   

This evening's speaker also talked about one more thing near and dear to me, something I had been asking the Lord about - for awhile now.

You see, you cannot spend any time at IHOP without hearing about God giving people dreams, and people experiencing God (feeling Him, hearing Him) and experiencing gifts from God (tongues, healing, prophecy, etc...).  And, I have felt like I was missing out.  Mostly, I don't recall dreams, I can't say I've had a super duper God feeling, nor have I really, really operated in any of the gifts.  I felt overlooked and it caused serious heartache.

Well, this evening's speaker addressed that.  It is coming.  When you are in the back row and not much seems to be happening - something is coming.  Its prep time.

My hope is that it is time for change - time for the vineyards, the singing and getting out of the desert.  The tricky part is maintaining the focus and dependency on God that I learned in the desert.\

To Be Fascinated

I'm reading this book.  It is called the Seven Longings of the Human Heart by Mike Bickle and Deborah Hiebert.  They identify seven longings that God put in our hearts.  IHOP offers this book as a free PDF download => Here 

In chapter two, Mike describes one of the longings as the longing for fascination.  This chapter is AMAZING.  It explains why I've found it so difficult to connect with God, and why I've been so sucked into TV.  This chapter is filled with nuggets of truth.  Here's some of my favorites :

"Unable to reproduce the celestial beauty of God, the heart of man has always reverted to earthly entertainment"

"As we increase our intake of earthly entertainment we dull our capacity to be fascinated by God.  It's not that we don't want to see God, we just can't find Him among the barrage of information to which we're exposing ourselves.  One does not have to be a spiritual giant to recognize the long-term implications of engorging on earthly entertainment while neglecting and dulling our ability to be fascinated with God Himself."

"As we attempt to fulfill our innate desires through movies, music and other forms of entertainment, we are touched in deeply personal places.  We open our innermost being to ultimately damaging messages, only to find ourselves frustrated, broken and abused by these forms of entertainment."

"By exposing hearts ... we feed our souls with attitudes about people and relationships that can take years to undo."

"Rather than acknowledge their hunger for fascination, and accept that God is the answer to that hunger, some people turn away from God altogether.  They blame their problems on the desire for fascination itself.....We were made to be fascinated.  The problem is not with the desire, but with attempting to fulfill the desire in a wrong way..."

"It is a prime trick of the enemy to leverage the God-given desire for fascination to entice us into actions that end up dulling our perception..."

"A satisfied, fascinated believer is a spiritually, strong believer who lives with a special measure of protection from Satan's schemes.  Many of the opportunities for sin that come their way are rejected, not because of some moral superiority...but simply because the believer is preoccupied with the beauty of God....deceptions of the enemy are more quickly exposed...unsatisfying distractions from that which is truly fulfilling."

"There is more to serving God than simply gritting your teeth and trying to avoid evil."

Now, the challenge is how to undo all the damage.  I want to love and be fascinated by God with clarity.  I want my heart to be changed.

St. Patrick's Day Parade

March 17th is St. Patrick's day.  Apparently, it is a pretty big deal in Kansas City.  They estimate anywhere from 30 000 to 80 000 people attend this parade, dependent on the weather.  And, it is a huge evangelistic event at IHOP.  600-700 IHOP-ers, decked out in green shirts joined.  For 2-3 hours before the parade, there were several areas we could could participate :

1) Handing out pamphlets on St. Patrick which tell people exactly what St. Patrick was in Ireland to do.

2) Street Survey/Prophetic teams - When was St. Patrick born ?  Where ?  Did he go to heaven ?  Why ? Are you going to heaven ?  Why ?

3) Dream Interpretation teams - "St. Patrick went to Ireland based on a dream.  What are your dreams telling you ?"

4) Musical teams 

I wimped out and handed out the St. Patrick's day pamphlets.  It was easy to do, and didn't have to worry about rejection.  But, hearing the stories from the other teams, I want do that next opportunity - they had more fun.

During the parade, St. Patrick sat up on a big green mountain and shared 10-20 sec gospel messages, and the 600-700 green IHOP-ers, walked behind singing and waving streamers.  It was quite cool.  Here's some pictures:

     

Passion for Jesus Conference

So, there was a conference this weekend.  I'm wiped.  But, it was good stuff.

One of the things that totally struck me was that Jesus does not self-protect like we do.  His heart is always open toward us, even when we hurt Him.  Really WHO does that ?  

Its like the last time a friend was in a bad mood and was a little chilly when I went over to chat.  You KNOW that the next time I say hello, that I'll be a little cautious, just to make sure she doesn't hurt me again, that is if I'm not a little miffed at her myself.  

That's not how Jesus is...every time we approach Him He scoops us right up into a big bear hug and says, "Welcome !!  I can't wait to spend some time with you!!"  

So, what if last time we talked with Him was 15 years ago and have been ignoring Him every time He tries to say hello ?  Or what if, we actually told Him off because we blamed Him for pain in our lives and have since then been telling people how horrible He is ?

What does Jesus do ?  He remains WIDE open.  Every word and harshness is incredibly painful because He remains open to it.  Why ?  Because He does not want to miss the slightest chance that we want to get to know Him.  

Believe me - I'm not that loving to even the people I love most.  

This isn't about me being not good enough.  Self-protection is a built-in human trait.  We can only take so much.  No, this is about how vastly different God is, He can take infinitely more and be infinitely more loving.  

Back for more

It was a hectic itsy bitsy visit home.  But, I enjoyed reconnecting with family and as many of the friends as I could see Sunday morning.  

Coming back, I'm happy to be here.  My visit totally confirmed that I should be here.  How do I explain this...the whole time I was home, I was longing for time when I could sit quietly with God.  It is good to know that I am where I'm supposed to be.

I had a pretty emotional time being home.  And, I carried that emotion here.  I think God is doing something in my heart (wooohoo!!) and it has me really vulnerable and not quite sure what to do with it all.  Typically, this is the point where I would find some mean of escape, TV, movies, hours on internet.  But, I'm learning that this is not really the answer.  God gave people (me included) some pretty powerful emotions....numbing them with entertainment does not end well.  Its taken me a long time to realize that what I need to do is learn to walk through these emotions.  Now, is the journey of learning to walk through them.  And, walking through them will involve some serious giving them to God and what that looks like.  

Really - what does giving emotions to God look like?  Its easy enough to say, I'm sure it'll be hard to do, but the question in my head is what do I actually do/say to God to give Him my emotions ?

, 

Insomnia, yet again

I really shouldn't be surprised.

After kicking butt and not letting myself wallow in self-pity and
loneliness, I'm hit with insomnia. Because really, in the mudhole of
self-pity and loneliness, I am distracted and offended with God and He
won't force change on me. So, pushing myself into gear was a fabulous
victory.

And, in the past insomnia has been a tool that Satan uses to weaken
me. But, I hit the Prayer Room and I guess I just have to keep watch
since there's nothing I can really do about not having slept.

Struggles

The last few days I've been struggling in several ways. I've struggled to get into the Prayer Room. It has seemed boring and I've been restless going in. We're supposed to spend 4 hours here and it has felt like a really long time. I mean there's a band, and cool music, so earlier in the month I was feeling pretty good in the Prayer Room. I was reading my Bible, journaling, worshiping quietly, and singing. It was awesome. But, the last few days have been difficult - I was not getting into that rhythm, or finding the sweet spot.

And, I've been feeling lonely. It started when I started comparing myself to other people and then started feeling overlooked. That is quite painful.

And, I've felt this wall between me and God.  Its like my heart couldn't connect with Him, and I really needed Him to show me how to deal with my feelings.

All I've wanted to do is hide, watch videos and hang out in my apartment. But, that doesn't really solve anything.

So, I've been forcing myself out, and praying lots about finding my identity from God. And, making myself go to the Prayer Room.

I guess it was the right thing to do. God really does have the answer to my feelings. Spending time with Him really does make things better, even while I'm feeling that the wall is there.   When I forced myself into the Prayer Room, the first hour or two I couldn't physically or mentally sit still.  I repeatedly had to rein in my wandering thoughts and fight back the get up and leave feelings.   I had to ignore feeling disconnected from God.  By the end of my time there I felt this huge sense of peace, like things were going to be ok.

They say that even when you feel away from God, it isn't really true, because He is always there.  And, I guess this latest lesson is about that.  I knew I'm the one who put up the wall, but at the same I was confused as to why it was there.  Spending time with God made it better, even though I don't know exactly how it happened.  

And, as a bonus - the peace has totally stuck around.

Designer Babies

So, I read this tidbit :

Singularity Hub writes"The Fertility Institutes recently stunned the fertility community by being the first company to boldly offer couples the opportunity to screen their embryos not only for diseases and gender, but also for completely benign characteristics such as eye color, hair color, and complexion. The Fertility Institutes proudly claims this is just the tip of the iceberg, and plans to offer almost any conceivable customization as science makes them available. Even as couples from across the globe are flocking in droves to pay the company their life's savings for a custom baby, opponents are vilifying the company for shattering moral and ethical boundaries. Like it or not, the era of designer babies is officially here and there is no going back."

At this link 

And, it is just scary.  How will this change our world ?  It means that it will no longer be about having a child, but having a custom built child.  The implications just blow my mind.  What happens if the child you "order" doesn't turn out the way you want ?  Do you get a refund - sorry this kid wasn't good enough ?  

An update of sorts ...

Wow ! Days just flow one into another here. We are off the topic of
David and into doing some other things, which I am too tired to
remember right now. I've been trying to take notes, but it is the
kind of stuff that changes your heart as it is being spoken, so I'm
too busy absorbing to bother with taking notes. Its a good thing they
are giving us the MP3 sets of these classes.

A bunch of us had supper at the Olive Cafe on Thursday. Good food,
decent prices, took home left overs.

Earlier this week, I decided that I would be staying on at IHOP 'til
the end of April. The stuff they teach is really, really good. Every
single day I feel a new small change in my heart. And, I feel like
God has even more planned for me here. I'm pretty excited for the
next two months, to see what it is that God has planned. But, I'm
also sad - I'm going to miss my family, my friends, my church family,
my cat.

I'm finally mostly over my cold. It took a good solid week of being
sick, then another week of my body recovering. Are the bugs more
potent or am I just getting older ?

My First Emailed Blog and David

So, did you know that you could email your blog to your blog and it
gets put up ? I just discovered it, here's my first go at it.

We've been studying David - I think I mentioned that. I've heard a
lot of messages about him - a man after God's heart. And, growing up
in church I thought I knew all the stories - David and Goliath, David
and Bethsheba, David being anointed by Samuel. But, our teachers were
talking about all these stages in David's life and how he approached
them and approached God in them, how God trained him. It was like -
whoa I didn't realize there was so much meat to his story.

For example - our teacher pointed out that when David started running
from Saul, all these wimps and runaways came with Him (1Sam 22:2), but
later on in his story, when Saul dies and they talk about all the men
with David. These men are now amazing warriors, they were called
mighty men (1 Chron 11:10-25). So what happened to them ? What did
David show or teach them to change them so completely? That's what I
want to learn from David's life.

Your best

I grew up learning all about giving my best to God. Its a lesson that makes sense; when you love somebody you give the best of what you have - not the left overs.

But, what happens when you feel like all you have are left overs ? What happens when you're convinced that there is just no best, better, good or even mediocre in your life? What happens if no matter how hard you try, you just continually fail.

The wise men had riches, the shepherds had sheep, the drummer boy had a drum.

What happens if you have nothing, and even after people try to convince you that there's good, you still feel like there's nothing ? Worse yet, what happens if what you've got is actually bad - bitterness, envy, anger, no self-control, selfishness and those are just the feelings, there is a whole load of actions that come out of those. What's if that's what you have ?

Somewhere lost in the "Give God Your Best" sermon is that God wants it all. He really does.

So, what happens Sunday morning when you're supposed to be singing songs about the wonders of God and all you can think of is bitterness and anger. What do you give God then ? Do you pack up and go home ? I've done that. It doesn't help.

Is it enough when all you can give is actually rotten ? What do you do ? Cut off the rotten bits and give Him the clean stuff ? Nope.

You give it all. The whole rotten apple. Don't try and fix it or clean it up without God. Don't try and hide it under pretty things. That's exhausting and it doesn't work.

So, what does this look like, practically ?

I don't know. I think it looks different in every person. For me, it means admitting to God that I'm far from perfect, that I'm full of unlovely feelings and actions. I don't sing louder and pretend that nothing is going on. I stop singing and tell God I'm mad at that person, I'm jealous of that person, and I can't get past how that other person hurt me, and that I'm scared to talk to Him because I feel fake. And, that I'm sorry for it.

Sometimes, it gets better, sometimes it doesn't. And, many times I have to deal with the exact same issues again next week, next day, next hour even.

I guess its part of the Journey with God - learning that its ok to give Him these things. Over time He makes good things from the nasties.

IHOP - The first days

Hmmm.....I don't really know what to write.  But, its been awhile since I updated this blog.

I'm in Kansas City, at the International House of Prayer (IHOP).  I'm here because at the One Thing conference I felt that I ought to come here for a bit of time.  I think I will be here a month.  But, until I figure out what I'll be doing in March - how long I remain here is still up in the air.  That being said, I've only booked the place here until Feb 28 and I've got a plane ticket taking me home that day.

This place is wonderful in so many ways.  I go into the prayer room and I want to stay there forever.  But, in the same breath I am bored.  Its like a little town within a town, and this little town is full of people who want to learn and love Jesus.  Me - I'm still trying to figure out what that means. 

I've rented a furnished apartment.  I moved in and started classes the next day.  So far classes have been a little boring.  The instructor has great info to give, and lots of stuff I need to re-visit on my own so that I can process.  But, somehow he still manages to bore me.  He expands, takes tangents and goes off topic far too often.

But, I've learned many things already.  We are talking about David, and using him to learn what its like to be intimate with God.  So, here's what I learned :

1) David's identity came from loving God and knowing God loved him.  All the other things he did were assignments he took on, shephard, singer, warrior, fugitive, king.  He took on and let go of these roles easily because they didn't color who he was at all. 

2) There was 20 years between the time David was told he would become king and the day he actually did.  That's a pretty long journey of preparation and it is reassuring in two ways.  One God made sure that David was ready, he had to go through a lot, and learn a lot.  So, whatever God has planned for me - He is preparing me and that means I will not fail (which is something I fear often).  And, second - I haven't been waiting 20 years. 

3) God deals with people's fears.  And, He starts with the big ones first.  This is one I still have to processs. 

My biggest lesson is number 1.  I knew coming here that the thing I needed most was to fill up on God.  I know very clearly that there is nothing I can do until I learn who He is and who I am and how we relate. 

One other thing the instructor said that was pretty powerful - God created each of us as a gift to Himself.

Onto the practical things - I got a few groceries, but I need more.  I have yet to figure out transportation to get them.  I have some idea...but, tomorrow will show how that works out.  I'm trying to stick to fresher veggies and fruits (those lessons I learned in Australia).  But, so far its been frozen stuff (at least its included frozen veggies). 

My schedule involves getting up early, going to the prayer room, going to class, then supper while watching a bit of Corner Gas, and a smaller stint in the prayer room.  Today I went for a walk.  I haven't gotten to know any of the other students yet.  We've had some small talk, but hopefully we'll get to know each other more over the next many days.

So much for not knowing what to write, eh ?