Onto the next thing ...

I have had the absolute best last few days.

For the last 8-9 years, the Christmas season has always been very difficult. My immediate family and I celebrate at different times. And, without knowing it, I longed for big family gatherings, with lots of generations and with kids. I miss the times of gathering at my grand parent's house. They've been gone many years now. Every year I dread and ignore the arrival of Christmas. It is quite depressing.

And, every year I pray that the following year be different.

This year was awesome. Christmas was spent in Sydney visiting my friend's in laws, her homegroup and with her good friends. And, I got presents. I'm incredibly excited about getting presents, because I'm usually the present buyer AND, I totally did NOT expect anything from any of these people. Most I had only met once, and then Christmas day.

We spent Boxing Day watching movies with a quick side trip to the local Christian book store.

And, this morning before leaving Sydney we had the most tasty Thai food I've ever had.

Oh....its been the most fabulous few days. I could not have guessed last year that this year I'd be spending such a beautiful time in Australia. Only God could arrange for such a treat, because only God knows what I want and need - even better than I know it myself.

This evening I'll be arriving in Kansas City. I'm attending the One Thing '08 conference/concert. I cannot wait to see what God has planned.

Port Noumea Caledonia - Nov 18

Noumea was our first stop on the cruise. It was a buzy port. We were met by the Governor and his wife - a very french European looking couple.

Our stay in Noumea was buzy. We had booked two tours with the ship. First there was a Kayak down the river, and next a Tree to Tree adventure. Both were very, very cool...

First, the kayak. The ship has two pools, but I wanted to swim in something bigger - pools just didn't interest me. It was a two man kayak and we zig zagged down the river trying to coordinate our paddling. After that hard work we jumped into the river for a cool off. Very nice, very relaxing and very nature-ish.

Second, the tree to tree adventure. Hmmm...what can I say ? Its fun climbing trees, and zipping down ziplines. Our women's group at church had a tree walk adventure and I loved it, so I talked my roommate and co-vacationer into it.

Christmas Eve @ Hillsong

We attended Christmas Eve service at Hillsong a few hours ago. The music and worship was fabulous. But, what was really cool is that they told and played out the Christmas story. That is common enough, but they actually brought Mary in on a live donkey, and the shepherds came in holding sheep. But, the absolute show stopper .... the wise men came in with real camels. Now how cool is that ?

Magnetic Island

Its my last weekend before I leave Australia. And, its a little bittersweet. I'm looking forward to going home after a side trip to One Thing '08. I miss my family, church family, my cat, friends and Futsal. I'm not really sure what is next for me. A chat with a good friend reminded me that often, all we get is light for the next step. And, my next step is to go home. I, of course, would love to have the next 8 months planned out....but, such is not God's way. All of which has nothing to do with Magnetic Island. So, onto that....

I arrived on Dec 18th. And, spent the night at Base Backpackers. An ok place if I wanted to party, drink and stay up, but I was wiped - I was out at 8pm despite the loud noise and party going on outside. The next three nights are being spent at Bungalow Bay, Koala Village. Now, this is a cool place. We slept in a two person twin bungalow. Right within the resort was nature reserve featuring Koalas, crocodiles, cool birds and funky lizards.

The first night we walked up on what's called the Forts Walk. It has the remnants of an old military post (WW II, I think) that was used to guard the East Coast of Australia. We saw a Koala on the way up. Very, very neat....I'd only seen them in captivity. On this walk, I kept thinking about how these soldiers must have felt living in this beautiful place, but always at risk. It seemed like such a vast contrast.

The next day was spent on a sailboat called Jazza. We put on stinger suits (its that time of year on Magnetic Island) and snorkeled for hours. Stinger suits are cool. They protect you from sting rays, jelly fish and you don't have to worry about sunscreen. I'm not sure how hip they are, but they are really handy. The guy on the boat quoted to us Jer 29:11 and had Christian music going - how neat is that ?

The following day was less filled but also fun. We had a lovely buffet breakfast Auzzie style. Relaxed and enjoyed the island. We spent the afternoon riding a horse. I've never ridden a horse - it is quite the experience. I kept trying to tell the horse what to do and I swear I could hear him say, leave me alone I do this trail two times a day, seven days a week. He bucked and tried to kick another horse. And, finally I fell off into the soft sand. My vacation buddy was quite amused and I'm just bruised.

Not much else went on....it was a relaxing 4 days.

Dravuni Island - Nov 20

We visited Dravuni Island on Nov 20, the 6th day of our cruise. Dravuni was beautiful compared to Noumea. The ship anchored off the island and we were tendered in. I like docking on the islands more, it gives us the freedom to come and go, but the more beautiful islands and the ones I enjoyed most were too small to have ports big enough for the ship. We spent the morning on the beach and the afternoon climbing to the top of a hill to view the island. Here's some pics:

Dravuni Island from the Ship


Approaching the dock by tender

The Beach

The View from the top of the Hill...

Daniel's Detox Diet

My dear and most lovely friend and Australian hostess convinced me to do a 10 detox program with her called Daniel's Diet. It is based on Daniel 1:8-16 where Daniel and his three friends chose not to eat from the King's table but ate only vegetables. So, on this detox we eat only fruit, veggies, legumes, and nuts. No meat, no eggs, no dairy, no oils, no sugar (even honey), no salt. Some of the allowed stuff is limited. But, quantity of food isn't. It sounds pretty restrictive doesn't it ? And, especially to me, I am queen of the steak; savour the bacon and pile on the salt. It seems kind of insane.

Well, I must be honest and come clean - my friend didn't convince me to do it all. She only said she was planning on doing it after the cruise and I jumped right in and said I would do it too. Why you may ask, since I am a carnivore ? Why the insanity ? Not surprisingly - it is a God thing. God led me to start a study on Daniel before I left Canada. God highlighted many cool things in that study even though I haven't managed to finish it yet. I came upon the Daniel Diet book in a Christian bookstore during my first couple of days in Sydney - put it down, picked it up, put it down, picked it up, flipped through it, oh look very useful thoughts on why we eat and the effects of food on us, put it down and finally gave in the little voice inside me that said get this book. Of course, when I bought it, I thought I don't need to do the detox, I can just learn all the neat things he has to say, because I might starve if I cut meat out of my diet. God just kept highlighting Daniel. And, when my friend said she was going to do it, I found myself saying - cool, I'll do it too !! Yikes !

It is my fourth day on the diet. Clearly, I'm still alive. So far - no serious cravings. Though my mind does occasionally wander to steak.

It is also a fast of sorts, to help me figure out where I'm going next and what I'm doing. I still have 8 months of leave to figure out.

Daniel 1:17 says - "To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds."

And, there is always that to hope for - I can do with more knowledge and understanding.

At home again....well, back to Sydney

With severe restraint from jumping in and swimming back - we cruised into Sydney harbor. We docked at 7am and were gently disembarked at 8:45am. It was sad saying good bye to our room, our bathroom, the dining rooms where they fed us wonderful food that we didn't have to cook on dishes we didn't have to clean. Aaahh..we've been so spoiled.

Here's the view from our balcony cruising into Sydney:



We visited with a friend for afternoon tea at the QVB Tearoom. Which reminds me, I took pictures of this huge three level indoor Christmas tree at the QVB. QVB stands for the Queen Victoria Building and it is beautiful.






Anyways, Tea was absolutely lovely. It was proper - it had scones, and mini sandwiches and bite size desserts. Yummm...it was filling and tasty. Which is lucky because after two days we would be starting a detox called Daniel's Diet, but more on that later. After some post cruise shopping we arrived home around 9pm, and I plopped into bed.

There is a huge window in front of my bed in Sydney - I woke up the next morning expecting to see the ocean. It was a sad thing to re-realize that I'm actually on land. Hmmm....I need to plan another cruise. On the upside, I enjoyed hearing the birds and kookaburras singing this morning. I hadn't even realized I'd missed it. Maybe that's why I thought it was so quiet...

Purple trees and pretty birdies

A few blogs ago I mentioned seeing purple trees, and the beautiful wildlife here. This past weekend we were up at a Christian Retreat Center called Merroo in the Blue Mountains. The drive up was majestic. And, I managed to grab some beautiful pictures. I'll try and post most of them on Facebook, but here are my favorite ones.

Here's the purple trees :


Orange Tree and Pink Vine


The three sisters up top of the Blue Mountains



Pretty Birdies



Everything is much more beautiful in real life, my camera just does not do it justice.

Hillsong

So far I've attended 3 Hillsong services and their anniversary Celebration at Darling Harbour.  It really does look like all the videos we've seen.  And, it is HUGE.  They have 8 services at their campus location and 7 services at their main location over the weekend.  They have a welcome lounge for newcomers that gives free coffee.  It is so easy to get lost at Hillsong, that it is extremely important to sign up for a small group.  The speakers are pretty decent.  And, you can tell that the pastors really care that their people grow.  It is also fascinating to see how they manage all these services and all these people and how they keep them connected and together. 

I miss my church though.  I feel that I get a less out of Hillsong than I do out of my own church.  There are so many announcements and so much goings on, that I feel I don't get the same depth out of it.  I'm sure it takes some getting used to.  And, I've definitely seen people care for each other and really share with one another.  And, I think is one of the most important things about people meeting at a church.

Anyways, those my brief thoughts on Hillsong.

Why Australia ?

Because it is beautiful and hot.

It is beautiful, but lately it hasn't been hot. I packed for 30degree to 40 degree weather. But, that's not what is here. I have to shop...I have to go out and buy a warmer jacket, maybe a couple of sweaters. Because it is NOT hot. I know, it snowed and it is kinda chilly in Ottawa. But, that's what is supposed to happen in the fall (except for maybe snow in Oct). BUT, it supposed to be hot here. Very hot. Not so....

But, that's not what this blog is about.

I came to Australia to spend time with a friend for whom life is a little rough right now. I came really wanting to be here for her. But, the first few days I was here I realized what I mess of emotions I was. Now, what good was I ? I was overwhelmed, at a loss and couldn't offer the support I wanted to.

Fortunately, my friend's mom was around. She helped me realize that it was ok to be overwhelmed. And, she helped me remember that it is God led us to be friends. It is God that led her to share some difficult things a few years back and it is God that gave me the right words to say. And, it will continue to be God that provides each of us with the support that we need and He may use one or the other to do that.

Do you know what that does for me ? It means that all I have to do is enjoy myself and God will lead me to do what I need to do, listen when she needs, distract and entertain at the right times. I actually don't have to worry about saying the right things at the right times. All I have to do is pray and be me.

And, also important is that it means that I can work out my own stuff without being afraid that I'm being selfish or unsupportive.

The lost art of my blog

I lost myself for a little while. I remember writing in Ireland that my blog was for myself. But, more recently, I sent out my blog link to all sorts of friends - friends anywhere from knowing me super well to friends that I only just started getting to know. And, slowly and subtly I found myself filtering what I was saying. Because you see, I was afraid. I was afraid that someone would read something in my blog and think badly or criticize me. So, I started wanting to make it just about the sights I've seen and my trips. But, you see that doesn't work for me. And, I lost interest in blogging.

A few days ago, I realized that one of the reasons I started my blog is to share the things that mattered to me, the things I learned and the things going on in my heart. It is very hard to share things that go on in my heart because it makes me vulnerable. And, an offhand inconsiderate comment could be quite painful.

Over the last few days, I've realized that it is God who needs to protect and heal my heart when it has been hurt. I realized that I lost the fun I had in blogging because I was filtering out all the things that really mattered to me - all so that I could protect myself.

The idea that it is God that will protect and heal me is probably one that I will need to learn over and over again. Because people's opinions while they can be hurtful are only a small part of all the things that can hurt in life.

Morning wake up calls

Every morning I wake up to the coolest bird sounds.  I never realized birds could sound that way.  At the risk of sounding ignorant - Kookaburras actually exist beyond the song we sang as kids.  And, they kinda sound like people laughing. 

Here's my little corner of the flat :













And, here's the view out of my window :












Australia has way more colorful nature than I ever thought.  Mind you - I never really gave it any thought at all.  It kinda makes the most colorful gardens and flowers I've seen in all my life a little bland.  I've seen pink trees, purple trees, orange trees, as well a regular green trees.  And, the birds !  Wow !!  The most colorful birds I've seen before here were in cages.  But, here they just fly about.  Its pretty cool.

We've spent most of our time in the suburbs, though we briefly visited downtown Sydney.  And, in the suburbs there are trees everywhere.  I thought Ottawa had trees (in comparison to TO), but there are just MORE here.  It is beautiful !!

Still jet lagged

Its day 4 in Aussie land.  They have purple trees here.  They're quite stunning.

Yesterday we attended Hillsong's women's Thursday morning service called Sisterhood.  Very cool, very striking.  Then we had lunch at a lovely place called Curly's where I had a big delicious burger (that was not kangaroo meat).  We then spent the rest of day cleaning out my friend's old apartment.  Oh yes, then a quick dip at the beach.  Where the waves were high and the water cold. 

Today we headed out to Sydney's Darling harbour.  Its pretty cool.  I spent most of the day walking around and then came back home by bus.  Not too complicated.  So, it'll be a great way of getting around while my friend works.  And, I picked up near a gazillion brochures to determine what I want to do over the next couple of months.  But, I'm too wiped now to look at them.

I hope to catch up on some shopping in the next couple of days.

Aussieland

Phew !  What a trip !  'twas long, but I had three lovely seats to myself on the plane ride over, so I could lay out and sleep.  'Twas nice

My friends out of pure love decided to help me overcome jet lag by keeping me awake throughout the day. 

There are so many, many, many trees and flowers here.  Everything is so colorful and beautiful.  I'm staying at my friend's great flat in Sydney.  I'm camped out at on the futon with this gorgeous view.  I will be taking pictures tomorrow or the day after....its raining now, so it'll be much prettier tomorrow.

I'm off to bed - its 3am at home so I think I'm due.

Galway

Ok Galway kicks Dublin's butt !! I've only been here 3 hours and this place rocks. Within 30 mins. I bumped into these guys handing out CDs of an audio novel. Something made me stop. Well, wouldn't you know it these guys are Christians handing out these CDs, as a tool to tell people about God. Anyways, I asked one of the guys what church they attended and he said, "We are a church." How cool is that ? They weren't from town, they just move around from hostel to hostel in different Irish cities and hand out these CDs. Ok !! That just rocks !!

A little further down the road, there's a big sign that says HEALING. I ignored it the first time. Seriously, there is some weird stuff out there. But, on the way back, I saw these two people kind of leaning over a guy in a wheelchair. It looked like they were praying. Ok - that is the kind of weird I like. So, I stopped to chat with them. You see, I've been wanting a place to go to church tomorrow. I think it'd be cool to experience church in Ireland - Irish accents talking, Irish accents singing, Irish people sharing. Its definitely part of the Irish experience I wanted.

Woman's Wild at Heart - aka Day 3

Today was beautiful ! The sun was out. Wilma said that the rest of the week is supposed to be the same, something that Ireland hasn't seen in awhile. How cool is that?! I've been praying for weeks for that we'd a beautiful rain free week, a week so nice that nothing like it had been seen for years....well, well, well - God does answer prayer! Even if it is a little one. And, whether God arranged the weather for me or God arranged my plans for the weather, it doesn't really matter!

And yes ! I did get back on the bike today. My muscles were fatigued, but I coudn't not do it. And, the sun just drew me out - the scenery was waiting, and this is what I came here to do.

The ride itself was relatively flat...a new term that our guide is using. Because I seriously doubt there is any stretch of real flat in Ireland.

Onto the title of this blog - my revelation today is that this is my Wild At Heart experience. I've pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of. It isn't huge or record breaking, but typically - I would've given up two days ago, after all that rain. If not then, I would've given up yesterday and taken the van after about half way. And, if not then, I would've not gotten on my bike this morning. But, there is definitely something about being away from home and its like God uses times like this to change little bits of me, grow me, show me stuff about myself and others. Very, very cool.

We biked down the coast for half of our trip this morning. The country side is beautiful.

We had Seafood chowder lunch, and came back up towards Cliffden on the Bog Road

And, rode up in the van to Sky Road. Again, the scenery was beautiful.



Tonight, for supper we were left to our own devices, so I had a supper of cheese and deli meat. I'd been looking forward to trying the local cheeses, I figured today was a good time to do that. I briefly caught up on email and now I'm off to bed. My legs are sore !!!!!

Tour Ireland - Day 2

No rain today !! Woohoooo !!! We woke up to a slightly cloudy sky that just got clearer as the day progressed !

We started the day, still on the Aran island of Inishmore, by taking a short bike ride up to the beginnings of the path to the Black Fort. Now, the Black Fort, they've determined is even older than Dun Angeus, but it is similar. The entire hike, probably took a good hour and a half. And, it was worth every minute of it (which says a lot since I don't usually like walking). The view was gorgeus.

Afterwards, we got down and took the 12 o'clock ferry back to the main land, arriving by 1pm. THEN ! Then, our planned bike ride was for 35 miles. Yikes ! That translates to about 60K. I figured it would take me 3 to 4 hours, considering all the hills....

The view (again !) was beautiful. I find it amazing how grass grows on all these rocks and takes what would've been a barren landscape and pretties it right up. But, underneath the grass, the earth is really not all that thick.



So, we were headed to Cliffden - there was a few roads we took that had traffic on them, but the traffic wasn't really heavy. It was country traffic. But, about half of it was back roads - paved, but mostly empty of cars. I think there were more sheep than cars on those roads.




Ugh....three hours later - and I'm still only two thirds of the way. What's up with that ? Well, yesterday there was rain - today !! Now today there's wind. Yuck !! I hate wind ! Wind is whole universes worse than rain.



Here's the beginning of the windy-est portion of our ride - the Bog Road. What should've been an easy ride, anywhere between a half hour to 45 mins took me a good hour, hour and a half.






The 12 Bens were a beautiful site to see during most of our ride.







Here's a picture of Cliffden, just as I was taking the corner. This was a huge relief to see !! I was tempted to ask our guide to take the van up. But no !! I wanted the pride of accomplishing the 35 miles; I wanted the pride of getting right up to the hotel ! And I DID it !! Woooohoooo !! Boy - my muscles are tired, but I made it !! Of course everyone else arrived before; it took me near on 5 hours; I got off and walked at least half
a dozen times. But, I did it !!!!!!

Now, the question is....do I get back on the bike tomorrow ? We are staying two nights at this hotel - so I have the option of taking an easy day tomorrow. However, I'm starting to realize that this stubborn streak in me is really good to push me into pushing myself further than I thought I could go. So, to be honest - I'm likely to get right back onto the bike tomorrow, get over the saddle soreness, and peddle.

There is an option to take the Sky road or the low road tomorrow. The sky road is supposed to be challenging as compared to what we've already done. I've found what we've done challenging enough, but the Sky road is supposed to have an awesome view. So, I may take a ride up in the van, just for the view, and do the rest by bike. No reason to get too crazy on my first bike tour.

BTW - I really am enjoying this whole bike tour thing. I get to see stuff and experience things I never would have had I been on a regular tour. And, I get to eat really good meals with no guilt. And, it helps me get into shape :D. It is a fabulous combination. I must try this out in some other countries too !!

Tonight (and tomorrow night) we are staying at the Foyles hotel in Clifden. My guess is that it is called clifden, because it is right on a cliff. I've got a beautiful picture of the town (and other things), but I must still get to loading those onto the computer. So, I'll come back and edit later.

Tour Ireland - Day One

We met our tour guide last night. Her name is Wilma. She's German, but has been residing in Ireland for awhile now.

Our day started off wet, and stayed wet. I really don't remember much of the route we took. It was a lot of hills, and lots of driving rain. But, it was a lot of fun too !

We started off at our hotel - the Connemara Gateway Hotel in Oughterard and biked to Rossavel port, and caught the 1pm ferry to Inishmore, one of the Aran Islands. We stayed at the Aard Einne guesthouse. The landlady was totally Irish, and welcomed us. And, she kindly offered to dry our clothes, and shoes. Which was a priceless offer - I was walking in my own swamp at that point.


There had been talk of biking out to see Dun Angeus - a 3000 BC fort. But, our wise tour guide offerred to find us a van to take us up to the fort. Dun Angeus is up on cliff. It took us about 20 mins to walk up. Its beautiful. Its three walls built out of rocks that were broken from the bottom of the island and brought to the top. The walls are shapped in three half circles right up to the cliffs



It was fascinating to think of the people who lived there.

We ended the day with a lovely supper at Aard Einne. Blessed sleep......

Intro to Dublin

So, my time in Dublin was spent walking around and around and around. My hostel is right around the corner from O'Connell St, which seems to be a major shopping area and tourist info area. The hostel has a Full Irish Breakfast, which I totally enjoyed. I met three girls at the hostel - an Australian, a German who both spoke English, and an Italian girl, who really didn't. I enjoyed chatting with people - the hostel thing has many benefits if you are traveling alone. Its definitely a lot friendlier than having a hotel or even a B & B. The last day or so, two American girls joined us...they were snobby compared to the others. I don't know if its because they were together and so not really wanting to chat, or its because they were American or just because that's who they were. It just seemed weird though.

I shopped, and took the Dublin Bus Tour - hopped on and off a whole lot. I visited the National Museum and the National Library. I decided that I wasn't going to spend any money on entrance fees until I'd seen all the "free" sites. Unfortunately, shopping just kept getting in the way. Well, that and I was just so fascinated with how things and people were different than home. So, I'd walk into stores, look around and leave.

They don't have Euro stores here - they have Two Euro Stores. And, the stuff seems to be pretty decent for $3 or so. And, then there is Dunnes, which I hear is an Irish family owned store. They've got good decent priced stuff too.




Here's a quick picture of the spire in O'Connell square. It is a
stainless steel piece of art - I think it is beautiful. Our Dublin Bus
Tour guide told us it is the only art/monument that has no political
significance.















To manage cost - I had sandwiches for lunch and sit down dinners. I tried the traditional Irish Stew - Yumm! I had a Guiness - drinkable (which is high praise from me since I don't drink beer). Nothing else really stands out....

First Full Day in Ireland

Who do I blog for ? First, I think I blog for me. I blog so that years down the road I can look at pictures and read my own words and remember what I've done, what I've thought and where I've come from. If you know me - you know I've been blessed/cursed with a poor memory. So, I blog to remember. Its about my Journey. It encompasses part of what I experience. The other part is in my journal - thoughts and feelings too personal for this public a forum.

Second, I blog for my family and friends. I blog so that they can read what I've been doing and thinking. Which brings me to now ....

This morning - I woke up, too darned early for Canada, but just about right for here. My body is awake, but my brain is still asleep.

I'm not precisely sure what I'll be doing....but, I am excited ! Even more sinking in...I'm in Dublin !! Yes - it does take awhile for things to sink into me. I've had breakfast, I'm going to shower and grab some really strong coffee to poke my brain into waking up. I suspect that I'll be spending the day on one of those tour buses that take you around the city, and tell you stuff about it, because my feet still hurt from all the walking and dragging luggage from yesterday.

Dublin Finally !!

Ohh.....after a long day's traveling, some flight delay and not enough sleep on the plane - I'm finally in Ireland !! And, so happy that the locals speak English ! I've asked for directions a dozen times over....maybe I should invest in a GPS unit.

Not surprisingly - it is raining. My first order of business was to get checked in at the Hostel. Next, find food.

The hostel I'm at is very cool. I'll take and post pictures tomorrow. The entire city has an older feel to it. As compared to Egypt which has an ancient feel to it.

So, I'm tired but excited ! It is starting to sink in a little - I'm going to be exploring different parts of the world for a year !! I'm going on a bike tour !! My body will ache, but I will be seeing and experiencing things that will be worth it !

Going, going....ugh, still here.

I'm on my first adventure. All packed, bike gear bought, ready to go and at the airport in Montreal.

BANG - flight delay ! Yikes !! I'm stuck at the airport 3 extra hours. Instead of leaving at 8, my flight now leaves at 11pm. Fortunately, Air France has graced us with $25 food vouchers. So, I'm treating myself to a meal and a beer at a sit down restaurant in the Airport. I'm going to Ireland after all - I'm just prepping for the Guiness.

Lemonaid out of lemons it is !! And after all, it's supposed to be a year of adventures. A little bit of flight delay is par for the course. And, look - I've already worked on my patience :p.

I'm praying that flight delay does not mean lost luggage. Lost luggage is an adventure I can do without !!

Been awhile

It's been awhile - I just realized how long....

Anyways - rather than update, I'll just skip ahead to now.

In two days, I'm leaving to Ireland ! YES !! I'm very, very excited ! I've never done anything like this before. First I'm spending three days in Dublin at a hostel called Globetrotters, the plan is to get over the jet lag, check out the place, and maybe take a couple of tours, go see castles and dream princess dreams.

Then - a bike tour through Connemara and the Aran Islands with Iron Donkey. Then, a few more days doing something else - that I have YET to figure out.

Wow...I can't even believe it myself. You see this whole thing is so beyond my comfort zone. It must be all part of the craziness of taking a year off from work.

Uhmmm...that's all my brain is capable of blogging for tonight. I stayed up too late watching Heroes S2 and pretending to pack. Tomorrow - I pack for real. Tonight - I sleep.

Decaf

I've been decaffing my body the last few days. The first two days, I had a dull headache and was pretty tired all day. Yesterday wasn't too bad, still tired. Today a little better.

I think I'm going to sign up for a one week massage course. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I think now is time.

I'll be booking my tickets to Australia in the next few days....I can't wait ! I'm trying to be patient - see if the prices drop. Perhaps if I work on my patience now - I won't have to work on it later :D.

This coming weekend is still undecided. My family would like to go to TO, but I'm not sure if I feel like it. I don't know why, but I've really wanted things to be quiet lately.

So, no coffee to perk me up this morning .... a soothing caffeine free herbal will hopefully keep me going.

Decision Week

It all started last Sunday morning - July 20th. I was laying in bed thinking, I just came back from vacation and I need to go again. And, how am I going to manage going to Australia ? Africa ? There are just so many things going on and there is so much I'm feeling I need to do. Hmmm....I should just take a one year sabbatical and get everything done. And, I left it at that.

God didn't leave it at that. I hooked up to chat with my mentor after church - we had a bit to catch up on. In and amongst our conversation I brought this sabbatical thing up. And, bang !! Through our conversation I realized that it was the exact thing I needed. And, on so many levels. I couldn't wait - I got to work on Monday, darn my boss is off. Tuesday, boy was I nervous....but, it'd drive me insane if I didn't do it right away. Talked to my boss - he was good with it ! Wooohoooo !! It means I can take a year off and still have a job when I return ! AND - I can keep all my benefits if I decide to pay the premiums myself! Yes please ! I'm going to Africa - what better time to be covered in case something goes wrong.

Two days ago, I had a lovely chat with my living in Australia friend. It looks like I'll be down under for two months. TWO WHOLE MONTHS !! We're going on a two week cruise. It's going to be an awesome, once in a lifetime crazy good time. And, assuming all goes well - I'm going to be experiencing an Australian Christmas ! How cool is that ?!

That's a lot to have hapenned in one week. And, a lot to have happened since returning from Egypt. I get the feeling this is going to be an awesome, pivotal year in my life - I can't wait !!

Sabbatical starts on Aug 25. 4 weeks left....

Week 2 - World Changers

Yikes - this was crazy exhausting week. Every morning I arose before 5, and sometimes as early as 3:30am. Our church had 200 youth in town to help with construction/reno jobs around town. And, my job was to help pack their lunches. Oh, the week was long .... I can't really remember much else from that week.

I do remember the weekend before that I had decided to reign in my emotions. My personal trainer had said that my energy was strong and I realized that my emotions were projecting all over the place. And perhaps, or really, really likely that people whether they realized it or not were responding to whatever I was projecting. And, I was reacting to their reacting. And, since my emotions do the wild, runaway horses thing - no wonder I found certain social situations stressful.

I also realized that week that certain people just mess up the atmosphere of a room for me. Sometimes its attitude, sometimes its what they say, and sometimes its just a sense - but, regardless from where there are just times where I need to leave a place. I'm learning so much about what I'm sensitive to and how I'm sensitive and how it affects me and how I affect those around me and my choices in it all.

It was an interesting, but exhausting week.

And, that brings me up to last week. I'm going to call that decision week. Onto the next blog.

Canada Again - Week 1

Wow ! What a trip. I got back on July 6th in Montreal and just caught the bus that was taking me back to Ottawa. I was so glad to be home. Dad picked me up at the bus station and brought me home. I was exhausted.

My cat didn't believe I was back. She gave me the weirdest look and then did her feline walk over to Dad and rubbed up against him. I think only then did she clue in to who I was.

I was wiped Monday, and wiped Tuesday. Had a fabulous catch up chat with my mentor on Monday. This lady rocks and I'm so blessed to be in that relationship. Had a great supper and chat with some friends Tuesday evening, but headed home soon after and crashed.

I attended my first belly dancing class Wednesday - a friend was kind enough to drive me out to Kanata. I didn't trust myself behind the wheel that evening. Belly dancing was good, but the instructor was so-so. It was a good place to be though.

Played soccer on Thursday, but was really sore from Belly Dancing.

And, I think I just plain old crashed Friday evening.

Saturday was prep for the big church lunch we were having the next day. I love times of working in the kitchen with friends. It's a great chance to catch up, tell stories, eat yummy food and do work to help church out.

So, that's week one - week two in the next blog

Cruising with God

It is hard to describe this adequately in less than a million words. Ok, slightly exagerated but still ....

The cruise was good. The Egyptian temples and monuments were cool. But most significant was the time I spent reading a novel and the Bible. Not huge on the Adrenaline high scale, but huge on the I'm a big romantic scale.

First, the novel - it's a simple story called "The Rescue" by Lori Wick. As I read it, I felt such a peace and such tenderness. At first, I thought it was just kinda cool - y'know good book, warm, fuzzy feelings. But, it really felt pronounced - like my heart was being touched with something really gentle and soothing. I just couldn't get past how calming it was. Later on that day, I come across this Bible scripture - one of my favorites from a few years ago:

Zephaniah 3:17 - "He (God) will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Wow!! That described it perfectly - God was quieting me with His love.

Second, just the time reading my Bible and a book called, the Beginner's Guide to Prophecy, asking God questions and discovering His answers on things. As a quick aside, prophecy is described as seeing people as God sees them, and hearing what God has to them and about them. It is a gift described in the New Testament that is meant to encourage and build up people. But, it has often been abused and people have been hurt. Like anything - people have used it to wack other people on the head in the name of God. That's just evil.

Anyways, so many things spoke to me. Things I had been wondering about and things I hadn't. There were things that God reminded me of. There were just so many little coincidences of things I had been thinking about, and there were the answers.

I've taken away a few things from the books. It'll all sound cliche if I type it out. Instead I'll just say that I've taken mental notes on how I need to view my work, my boss, people who let me down and people who hurt me. Little things and views I need to change, like course corrections if your driving a boat.

Last day on the Nile

What an awesome cruise! And, it's all because of the God time I spent. I'll get to that part, but first the cruise itself.

I'm on a boat called the M/S Beausoleil. Our guide's name is Emile. Nice guy. There's a great boutique on the boat run by a guy called Peter. I bought a few things from him - good prices, and no haggling. I compared some of his prices to what I could reach after haggling. It's nice to know you don't have to worry.

Let's see if I can remember all the sites we visited. The first day was the Valley of the Kings, which is where the Pharaohs were buried. They've found 62 sites so far, with King Tut's being the last and most well preserved. Then Queen Hatchepsut's temple. She's one of only 3 women who reigned over Egypt. She portrayed herself as a man in all the artwork and dressed like a man so that the Egyptians would accept her reign. That qualifies her as the very first feminist ever !!

The next day, we visited Karnak and Luxor temples. The Karnak temple is huge and was built over hundreds of years. Every Pharoah built and added on to it because it was used to worship their main god - Amoun-Ra. There are areas where there is still color (right) and obelisks that are over 20 meters high carved out of a single piece of granite(below).






Think about this - they carve out of pure granite a piece without lasers, or power drills, or power saws. Then they float (yes FLOAT) it down the Nile, get to their destination and stand it up. There is some serious math, physics, and geology involved combined with massive creativity.






Then we visited the Luxor temple(right) - smaller, but still cool. The guide told us that back in the day, there was a 3km long line of sphinxes between the two temples.




Then, the temples of Edfu, Kom Mombo and Philae. There is history and description to all of them, but I'd never finish if I tried to write it all down. The major points are that they are huge, they are full of history. Egypt is finally working hard at gathering and safe guarding its treasures.

Haggling in Egypt

June 30 - AM
It is insane the amount of haggling people do in Luxor. The starting price of something is sometimes up to 10x the final price. Oh, and they are totally willing to lie, and cheat to weasel some extra cash out of you. I really don't get it - I guess it must be a way of life. This is how money is earned. It really isn't because there are poor people here, I'm talking about fully settled stores.

The stores in Cairo aren't like that. Prices are set and labeled. You don't like it - you go elsewhere. Whereas here, you don't like a price and start heading out the door, they offer you a better price, and then a little better, and a little better yet. It's frustrating. I like to shop for prices - get an idea of cost and then decide what to buy out of the EVERYTHING I want.

And, I hate feeling cheated. And, I hate not being sure if I've been cheated. But, if I want to shop, I must deal - so deal I will...or maybe not shop?! Aaaaahhhhhh !!

Cruising

Onto a new adventure ! Ok - mini adventure. I've begun a cruise on the Nile. Mom has stayed back in Cairo. This morning I woke up at 4:00 am to catch a 6:10 plane to Luxor. I was so tired, I forgot my sunglasses, hat and picked up the wrong cell phone. One of my cousins drove me. Boy are the streets quiet at 4:30 ?!

I slept through the entire plane ride and landed in Luxor at 7:30am. A kind tour guide picked me, took pity on my hat situation and bought one for me. It was sooo sweet. And, he totally wouldn't take money for it. He helped me check in and directed me to be ready for my cruise guide.

I quickly put on sunscreen and headed they call the West Bank visit. The West Bank visit included three tombs in the Valley of the Kings, and Queen Hatchetsup's temple. They've changed to rules in the Valley of the Kings - tour guides are no longer allowed to enter the tombs and lecture. So, my tour guide gave me a brief history outside, and then sent me on my own to explore. The third tomb I visited - Ramses IV had Coptic graffiti in it from the 7th century, and people signing their names in the 1880's. Weird how people are ok doing that.

More quiet days

The fourth and last day at the beach. Both my older cousins and family have joined us. It's nice to catch up with everyone. The kids are a year older. Some a lot taller and some just a little bit.

We've spent the last couple of days on the beach. Mom and I get up early (early for Egyptians), have breakfast and head out to the beach. The rest usually follow a few hours later - by noon or so.

It is so pleasant on the beach - quiet. I've spent time sitting, reading, praying. It's nice. From around noon to 4pm is super hot, so I hide under the umbrella with sunscreen on .... and I still tan. From about 5pm on to 7 or 8pm is the perfect time to hit the pool and the sea. The sun isn't so hot, and the water has finally warmed up.

Voices

I find I'm doing a lot of the quiet alone time this trip. Just
sitting, thinking, praying about nothing specific. I'd like to always
be open to hearing what God has to say, and discern between His voice
and other voices. It's not like they are audible voices and God's
comes with the sound of angels. Most of the time its like my own thoughts, either telling me good or bad things about myself or others. Sometimes, there is a sense of a direction I need to take.

I realized that thus far, I've determined what comes from God based on whether :
a) It said good things or mean things about myself or others
b) If it goes with or against things I know of God and things from the Bible.
c) If someone else confirmed it for me.

I'd like to be able to differentiate God's voice from others. The best way I can think to describe it is, it's like being in a room with a lot of people. But, there is one person you love, you've spent a lot of time with and you know intimately well, so your ears are tuned to hear that person's voice. You could pick it out and follow it to find that person. Or like some mothers can tell if their child is crying in a room of crying children. That's the level I want to hear God's voice at. I want to know it. I think I need to know it. It'll take a lot of time and effort. But, if I want to follow God's leading in my life then it's probably wise to know when it is Him leading.

Quiet Days

Aaaahhhhh....today was the first full day spent at Ras Sudr Paradise Hotel. I had a quiet breakfast outside. They have a decent breakfast buffet here. I had an omelet, and the best feta I've had in a long while and some fresh pita. We were here last year, and I had forgotten how much I had loved the pita.

I am really enjoying my time at this hotel. Last year, I was battling. I was battling Mom, I was battling myself and my own thoughts. I was working so hard to prove to my extended family that I made good choices with my church. And, I was working so hard to enjoy myself. I find this year, I'm just going with the flow. There is still some battling, because as a culture - we tend to sit still until pushed. And, if I want to do some fun things - I have to prod myself and my family into action. But, otherwise....I am just going with the flow. Nothing to show, nothing to prove. It is sometimes a conscious effort to step out of the "proving" myself mode, just stand and let people believe what they wish.



On a lighter note - the beach is beautiful. The water is bright blue, cold in the morning and warmed by the sun as the day progresses.







There's five of us here today. My aunt, my uncle, my mom, my cousin's daughter and myself. Tomorrow two of my cousins, their wives, and their children should be joining us. That'll be 7 more people, so a total of 12. It'll be good to spend time with them. I may have to step away more often though 'cause that's a lot of people for me. And, I just get lost in all the simultaneous conversations.

Ooh....and we saw camel's on the beach today. And, further down the beach there's some people kite surfing. It's looks kinda cool. I looked up the courses and how much rental is, but it is way out of budget this year.

Alone in Egypt

I haven't been able to connect to the internet here. It is painful. I miss my friends and email.

We are at my aunt's place. And, things are slow. I want to get out, but there is nowhere that I can go. And, I'm scared - all those stories Mom tells me. They've made me afraid. I want to email friends for prayer or suggestions and I can't. I feel isolated.

I'm really frustrated with this staying with people who are not on vacation. They've got jobs and lives and things they need to do. And, I get that - I just find that I end up stuck at home too often. That's really not what I am here to do.

Landing in Egypt

After two full days in Paris, I'm now on an airplane landing in Egypt. I can't wait to see my family. I've been anticipating this trip for a long while now. Paris was cool, but rushed. There is so much to do there, and I was so busy trying to get everything done - there was just no time to relax.

But, in Egypt - that's different. I'm spending almost a full two weeks there - visits, site seeing, time on the beach can all be fit in.

Let's see, I want to get my hair done at least a couple of times. Egyptian's are experts at getting their own type of hair fixed up. I want to spend time on the Red Sea, maybe visit the pyramids and the museum again.

I have noticed though, that Egyptians are notorious for not doing things. Its almost too relaxed. The attitude is like, "Sure, we'll get to that - we've got many days ahead of us", that is until there is only 3 days left for things that'll take a week. And, even then - yeah, yeah - we'll get it all done. Don't worry.

Spiritual Journey

During my quiet time this morning, I had a sense that this vacation will be a Spiritual Journey for me. I believe that it will be a time for me to learn lots, and have some direction. I tend to want to know absolutely everything, so I doubt I'll get all my answers. Because, you never get all the answers, just the ones you need to make the decisions of the moment.

That's it for this morning. More to come as the day and journey progresses.

Day One - Paris

Wooooohoooooo !! Paris ! Ok, I'm half asleep, but I'm in Paris. Mom's distantly related cousin in at least two ways picked us up at the airport. We arrived mid-day, and he took us on a quick car tour of several sites - I can't name all of them. And then headed home for supper.
I'm so blessed having so many good people, generous people in my life.

Mom's cousin and his lovely wife have two great boys. We had a quiet supper at home. And, went on a relaxing walk by the lake. Took lots of pictures - I figure the more I take, he more likely I will get a decent few :D.

And, I've been very good thus far. No food after 7pm, and especially not sweets. I'll save the belly space for some really decadent stuff, but earlier in the day. It's all about compromised indulgences.

So, its been a quiet day thus far - half of it in a plane, and an early night to finish it and kick my body into the right time zone.

G'night all.

Perspectives

A few days ago, I was reading my Bible and I came across a piece of scripture that just did not sit well with me. Actually, it just disturbed me and kinda made me angry. I thought/prayed about it and emailed my homegroup leaders.

On a bit of a tangent, I grew up in a church where I just accepted things and really didn't challenge what the teachers said or what the Bible said. I'm so past that...or better yet, I'm getting past that. So, I believe that I absolutely have every right to challenge everything that I read in the Bible and especially what people say. One of my favorite scriptures (I may even have included it here long ago) is from 2Timothy 2:15 and speaks of being unashamed and correctly handling God's word. I always felt that scripture as special for me. And, how on earth can I handle the Bible unless I challenge it, get past the difficult parts ?

Anyways, its one of those parts in the Bible that just does not seem fair to women - Numbers 5:12-31. It was about how a woman can be proven not to have cheated on her husband. And, I thought - why should we be treated harsher ? Why wasn't there the same thing about men ? So, I asked God - "You're supposed to be fair, and I'm supposed to trust You, why would you say this ?" It really didn't make much sense to me.

It slowly dawned on me - that while the issue I was having was one of perspective. First, I was coming from a completely different way of thinking. Unlike many other parts of the world, in Canada women are free and not property. God was talking to a culture where women were often property. Second, I was coming from a place of distrust of God. Unfortunately, I was looking at it and saying - ok this means that God isn't fair. I knew it !! Deep down inside, there is a mistrust and that colors my entire view. In this case, instead of seeing that God is caring for these women, I was seeing God as mean (probably because I grew up with a the harsh judge God instead of the love first God).

Furthermore, whereas I looked at what it was saying "How mean God is treating these women ?!" The women at the time were probably thinking, "Wow! God is acting on our part and protecting us." Because really, at the time if a man was jealous and thought his wife was cheating on him or if he just wanted to get rid of her because he was the one having the affair. He could just accuse her and the community would be so aghast it would kill her. Seriously - that's how things were. In this scripture God is acting out His declaration that He will protect the innocent. And, even if she was guilty - it is God that is punishing her, and that would've been more merciful than what jealous hubby would've done.

As to what happens to cheating hubby? I don't know. There isn't actually a note on that one. Why ? First, I think it is because God doesn't have to protect him - people didn't care as much about cheating husbands, so he wasn't likely to be judged and killed for a suspected indiscretion. Second, he still gets punished. I firmly believe that. Affairs complicate and ruin lives. It's just stupid even without God involved.

Since first reading this scripture, I've come to realize that to understand what the Bible means and "correctly handle" it, I must come from the right perspective. God is love. He desires the best for each individual. And, I know that the best doesn't always feel good. I need to trust the Person behind the words.

4 days and counting....

I want to always change. I don't know - maybe it is a sign of not being happy with where I'm at. But, that doesn't sound like a bad thing. I can't imagine a time when I'll be able to sit back and say - yup, I'm perfect now, there's nothing that needs to change. It's kind of a thin line to walk. I'm ok not being perfect, but I'm not satisfied with it. Actually, being ok with not being perfect is something that still needs work. I'm told that I'm pretty demanding of myself.
One of the most freeing statements I ever heard was - "God's expectations of you are not you're expectations of you." We always seem to demand so much of ourselves, expecting perfection. Whereas God has more realistic expectations. He knows where we are weak, where we will fall. And, that's ok with Him. It's funny how that is not ok with us. And, when I think about it - who am I to say I know better than an all-powerful, and all-knowing being ?

Hee hee .... I guess this blog has said nothing about my trip yet.

It's the last weekend before I go. I'm mostly packed. Which is a good thing, because after work I'm going to take a train to Cobourg and visit a dear, dear friend who is visiting from the other side of the world. We'll have a lovely time, and then I am racing back - working Monday and Tuesday and on a plane Tuesday night. Oh I can't wait !!

5 days and counting

My google home page has the weather for Cairo and Paris.

Cairo is a lovely 30 with a low of 21 and high of 33 today. If I could describe perfect weather - this would be it.

Paris on the other hand is a low of 10 and high 18. Ok, a bit on the chilly side. And, I definitely have to add jacket to my packing list. But, I'll totally survive. I'm dreaming of divine chocolates, absolutely decadent properly made cheeses, and the occasional small baguette. Oh is my body ever going into shock next week!! I haven't had chocolate or bread in over a month !!

And, I can't wait for Cairo - old buildings, desert, dry heat, family I miss terribly and yummy food.

6 days and counting

It's nearing the end of packing time !! Yes, I know I have a full six days. But still ....

This weekend I'm heading up to Grafton to visit a good friend who is visiting from Australia! I can't wait ! It'll be so nice to catch up with her. We barely have time for a quick hug - she arrives Saturday night and I leave her place Sunday afternoon. Maybe I should start popping the caffeine pills now ?

Speaking of which ... I am now working on being caffeine free. I am refined sugar free. And, natural suger much reduced. So, decaf coffee this morning and water. Lots of water.

18lbs lost and counting ! I was hoping for 25 by the time I left for Egypt. But, no go....last week was a blip. I do pray that I stay close to being on track through my time off.

Last night I realized I wasn't quite sure where my bathing suits were. I have a list somewhere of the stuff I packed already. And, I've pulled out some more stuff to pack. I still need to pack my most awesome hair straightener, several more pairs of shorts. And, my carry-on bag which should have at least a week's worth of underwear, and at least 4 shirts, 2 shorts and 2 pairs of pants (rather safe than sorry).

Hmm...what else. Some good books for the flight. My laptop, mp3 player, bible, journal, sunglasses, prescription sunglasses, contacts.

Oh yes, maybe pick up those bands from Walmart so that I can have a semblance of a workout while there.

7 days and counting

It's time for my vacation - I'm counting down .... 7 days left. This time next week, I'll be madly scrambling to set my voice mail and email alerts. I'll be all packed and ready to head to Montreal. Ooooohhhhh I'm so excited. I need a vacation !!

First, my Mother and I will spend 3 days in Paris, then continue on to Egypt to spend another two weeks. I get funny looks when I tell people I'm going to Egypt. Most people say, "Again?" Seriously - some people drive across the country every year to visit family. Others head south every year. Egypt is no different for me. It costs about the same as an all-inclusive trip to Mexico or Cuba. And, I get to visit with family and be in a place that is pretty cool and learn to relax.

The concept of time in Egypt is ... different. I might've spoken about it last year. To the point that there is no point in arranging to meet someone at say 5pm. No....the best thing to do is to carry a cell phone, and tell them to give you a call after work. They'll call you some time between 3pm and 8pm.

I used to get frustrated, 'til I realized there is no point. And, figured that I'll go with the flow. It's relaxing. And, not having to wake up super early in the morning.....lazing about will be nice.

I'm going to miss working out though....I don't think people work out in Egypt. I'm going to have to find a place where I can get at least a few workouts in while I'm there. I don't want to lose any of the work that I've done over the last months.

And, my diet - Herbal One has been awesome. But, how do I keep on track while I'm gone ? Seriously - I can't imagine trying to eat properly while on vacation in a foreign country that has so many interesting foods. Can one go to Egypt and hold back from eating Falafel ? Or Shawarma ? Or whatever those deep fried batter drenched in sugar things are ?

I want to make the absolute most of every moment that I spend in Egypt. It is so easy to get complacent, and just hang out with family. No ! I do want to hang out with family, but I also want to bring them along - we can hang out on the beach. Ooohhh....I should make a list of the things that I want to do. Hmmm.....

Dreams

I'm verrryyy excited !! I believe God is starting to show me a dream, a purpose. I'm almost afraid to believe it .... it's been so long, and there have been so many disappointments, things I believed would happen but didn't. However, this time - it is different. The times before they were things I wanted or things I thought I would be good at, but it didn't have that inner affirmation from God. This time, this time it feels like it is from God.

Oh....the anticipation. I can't wait to get confirmation ! I can't wait to get the "Go" from God about my job. I still need to spend some time researching, and spend some time figuring out what this'll look like.

Tomorrow night there is a very cool revival meeting. It started it Lakeland, Florida and now, some people who have been down there have come up here to share it. I can't wait !! I believe God has something there for me. My hope is that it is confirmation, or direction. Or maybe something more than I can imagine. Regardless, it will be awesome to spend time in the presence of God. It's been too long since I"ve attended something really powerful.

Oh, and as to the dream, so far my sense is that it has to do with healing touch, maybe massage, prayer and intercession. It's vague - but, nothing has had me this excited.

Aargh !! I'm determined to do this in God's timing, in God's way - I don't want to be one of those people who get a hint of something, jump right and start making all the decisions and determining what it'll look like and then fall flat on their face because it wasn't what God had intended.

Patience is a virtue.

Tasmanian Tiger

Three days ago I read about the Tasmanian Tiger. It is extinct now - though there are still people hoping to find it. The last one died in a zoo in 1938 (I think). The pictures I saw didn't look like a tiger at all, but more like a striped dog. It made me sad to think that this animal was hunted down because people were afraid of it, until there were just no more of them.
I don't really know why it makes me sad - I wasn't there, it has nothing to do with me and it was a long time ago.
I keep thinking of what that animal must've felt, being chased and killed and it looks like a dog - it breaks my heart.

This is why I stay away from discussions of endangered species and why I pretend to not care. I guess it is because I really, really do. Too much - so much that I get stuck in the sadness of it.

Moving

Aaaahhhh.....the signs of my exciting life !

I'm changing cubicles today. My phone has been transferred and my day is going to be filled with moving my books, and computer over.

I'm kinda sad because the last three years there has been no one in my little corner and finally some people were moved beside. Woohoooo !! People !! And, now - I'm being moved.

My current office has a big beautiful window....my new office has a big blue wall with half a window :|.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts - I can't wait to decorate that blue wall.

Barrenness

Barrenness - describes well what has tormented me the last few days.

That aside for a second.

I go to a pretty cool church. And, I know some pretty cool people from that church. My church challenges people to change, and grow. It challenges people to get sin out of their lives. It encourages people to seek out their purpose and dreams and pursue them.

It is a hard church to be in when God does not show you or give you a dream or purpose.

And, it is a hard church to be in because it is full of people with families and children.

Barrenness.

I have failed at keeping my life clean.

Barrenness.

No comfort, a landscape that is dry and empty with no fruit.

Barrenness.

What does one do with a desert ?
The grass is greener on the other side when you don't have grass.
And, when you don't have what it takes to grow grass.
Grass doesn't grow in the desert.

Barrenness.

Why?

Barrenness.

And, God says ...

Isaiah 41:18
I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs.

Blogging

I had two people recently tell me that they read my blogs. Now, I'm inspired to blog more.

Today I helped a friend move a wood pile. It was fun.

Then, I was telling another friend about it. And, I found it amusing that moving a wood pile was fun. And, then of course - I was amused by how amused I was at the fun I had moving a wood pile. So, it was a good time and afforded me two laughs at myself later.

God has changed a lot in me over the last year. Laying here this evening, I find myself wondering if they are real changes. I ask myself this because there are still some nasty habits that are alive and healthy. There are still hurts in my heart that hurt, and I'm starting to realize that others are not hurt by the same things. Many times I've thought - I'm ok, and been bowled over a little while later.

That's all the thoughts for now. It's hours past my bed time.

Straight up

Last Saturday I blew up at God. I have never blown up at God - it is after all quite a scary thing to do. People say to be honest with God and that He has big shoulders. Mostly, those sound like cliche's to me. Out came all sorts of nasties - completely out of proportion to what was actually happening.
I was pretty scared afterwards, at a loss really. If it were a regular person - I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be talking to me. And, I expected to be shot down by lightning or something less dramatic but still painful. But nope - nothing. Actually, at church Sunday, God reminded me of Peter, who Jesus chased down so that their relationship could be re-established after Peter betrayed Him. Betraying, blowing up - it's all the same. So, God responded with no lightning, but comfort. What?!?
Who is God that He does this?
Since Saturday, I've been haunted by mean and petty thoughts. Thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking, because I want to be a nice person. Maybe that is the point - God wants more for me than nice. He wants honest, nice. And, before honest nice comes honest. That's where I am at now.
It still doesn't feel very nice though.

Insomnia

Last night was a really long, long night. It's been awhile since I haven't been able to sleep like that - I think I got 3 hours ? It's lots more fun when I get 3 hours sleep because I want to do something else. Laying in be for 8 hours and being asleep only is very much a pain. I'm praying for godo sleep tonight :).

Sick

Ugh .... I've been sick over the last couple of days, and I've got a drive up to SW tonight and tomorrow. I'm popping the Vit C pills like Candy. Why is is that when it is inconvenient - I get sick ? Mind you there is never a convenient time to be sick. It's funny - my head is a little dozy....not all thoughts are coming together properly.

Job

There are parts of my job that I absolutely love. And, there are parts of my job that I absolutely don't like (hate being a strong word). Good friends of mine are going through a time of job transition, and it makes me wonder about my own job. My job is good. It is stable, it pays well and provides wonderful benefits. I get paid vacation and sick leave. Lots of medical stuff is covered too. But, it does not use my gifts, it causes me stress and only certain parts provide me joy. There MUST be a better job or thing to earn me money out there. Of all the times where I can make a major transition in my life - this is it. I have some left over money from the house, my living costs are at a minimum.
There are two BUTs.

1) BUT - I'm afraid of letting go of the stability and safety of this job.
2) BUT - I want to follow what God wants for me, I honestly believe there is no other thing in my life that is worth doing than what He wants. I hope to define success more and more by doing what He wants.

But 2, kills But 1 - There is safety and stability in what God wants me to do, irrelevant of job.

Retreats

I haven't written for a few days .... time to catch up. I'm enjoying this .... as long as the mental sticky note to blog does not fall off.
Last weekend I participated in an amazing retreat. It was amazing because God showed up. The entire time He had His hand on people's hearts. People were impacted and challenged. And, my goodness did He ever touch my heart. He showed me some areas of so much pain. I can't describe it. I can't say these are the areas, and this is what He taught me, and this is how I feel now. Nope - it was lots of tears, but not a lot of understanding. But, I don't really need to understand because I know God shows and heals. He doesn't just stop at showing.
My stress level at work has increased. I think God is dealing with my perfectionism and fear to fail. Boy, does this area hurt and need help.

CS Lewis

I love this guy's writings. He is very point-y and makes me think. Here's some of my most favorite quotes by Lewis :

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want
to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even
an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;
avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of
your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless,
airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become
unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

One of my most favorite quotes. It's long, but it is said so well. If you've ever been hurt by love and said to yourself, this'll never happen again. Here's what you are risking. I've done it; it isn't pretty. It is safer not to hurt, but it is also safer to be dead. Neither is fun.

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

How true ! And, more true the more of God you know.

No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.

I remember pretending to be good, to myself and others. It was quite easy. God opened my eyes to the pretending, then I realized - it isn't easy to good, and man was I ever self-righteous?!

Tangent time - Pretending sucks. There is a pretty cool song by Plumb titled - "Good Behavior", it describes well what happens when I tried to be good my way

I was frozen in a fragile world
Of make believe and empty lies
....
Cause perfect only makes you crazy

there is no way that it could save me

Also very pointy.

Back to Lewis :

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

and

I have found a desire within myself that no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

I like to ponder those statements....

Mental Ramblings

Perhaps the title of a new blog ? Or just the title of this blog ?

Either way, onto the ramblings themselves. And, yes - I am bored at work waiting for things that need to happen to happen. I should probably work on the ability to generate work for myself. I'm sure it'd come in handy. Either way ....

I've noticed a TV trend or a trend in the TV that I like to watch. It's the idea of what do normal people do when abnormal things start happening. I picked up a show a couple years back called the 4400. Very cool show. It's about 4400 people who disappeared (abducted from earth by UFO's) over the last 200 years. They all suddenly reappear together at the same place at the same time - not having aged one bit. Weird.

What does a person do when their spouse who disappeared 40 years ago returns still 20, but they're 60 ?
Then there is the army guy, whose buddies are now in wheelchairs and he's still 18 ?
What does the American gov't do ? Because, of course, all these people reappear in the States.

Then, of course, they each develop a power. And, now ... how do they deal with that ?

In a similar vein - Heroes (another new favorite of mine). Regular people, rick, poor, greedy, generous, hate everybody, love everybody - a whole bunch of people discover they have powers. What does that do to a person ? How does that do to the people around them.

I've had the thought rolling in my head that we think of ourselves as civilized. But, the only reason we are civilized is that the society we live in has controls around everything - laws, rules, social norms. War, natural disasters, end times stuff....that messes with the rules. How will we behave when we don't have those rules directing us. Times like that test who we are and it tests our relationships.

Slow days

Yuck. The last few days at work have been slooooowwwwww. I'm waiting for one thing or another to get going. I hate slow days. Nothing to do, but twiddle me thumbs.

My cousins were here for the weekend. I love'em. We went to the casino Saturday night. I'm glad to say I remained under control. I even left a little more up than what I came in with. It's amazing to me how as long $20 will last if you play reasonably, not trying to win big or anything. One of my cousins spent 3 hours on the same machine and spent $5. That is considered a win in my book. We got home at 1:30am, and I got to sleep at 3am. Yikes ! That was 6 hours after my bed time. But, it was good. :)

The physical healing course went well. The guy teaching it was not at all dramatic. None of it was based on wow factor. It was all quiet - assuring us of what belongs to us because of Jesus. That's it. I'm excited - I want to try it out at homegroup. I'm afraid that I'll wimp out, but I've already talked to my leader - so, all that's left is the waiting, the praying and the timing. And, me not wimping out.

Women's retreat this weekend !! I can't wait.

Futsal end of year tournament this evening. Our first game will be a good one. The last time we played these guys we beat them by 1 pt. And, before that we'd only ever beaten them once. I'm all ready to practice my crazy goalie antics on them.

Forgiveness and Love

It sounds like I'm repeating myself. But, I'm not.
Last night, at the physical healing course, the instructor couldn't make it. He'd missed his plane. So, they showed a video of him teaching. Wouldn't you know it ? The thing he taught on was Forgiveness and Love. He said those two are the keys to opening the door for physical healing. How cool is that when God has been speaking to me about those very things over the last few days.
I've got another full day today. My cousins are in town, and I'll miss hanging out with them today, but we'll have this evening and tomorrow.

Love and Fitness

There are seasons in my life. Different times where God is speaking to me about something or having me work on something. There seem to be two smaller arcs right now.

First, I'm sensing that this season is time for me to work on my body, strengthening it and feeding it properly. And, that is where I am to spend that money I'm saving by not living on my own. My health and becoming healthy. That is an awesome goal - I'm going to enjoy getting there. And, as confirmation - I'm attending that physical healing course this evening.

Second, Love. I wrote a long journal entry on love yesterday. I'm feeling like love is the route to forgiving those people from work who hurt me. God loving me despite and during all the times that I betray and ignore Him is how I'll learn to love Him. Loving Him is how I'll finally overcome the sinful habits in my life. Loving Him, because He first loved me and loving others is what will drive my passion in life. And, just as confirmation - I'm attending a Women's retreat next weekend about loving well.

Oh yes, and I bought a GPS unit yesterday. I can't wait to really try it out. So far, its done a good job of getting me from home to work and back. Today's the test....I'm off to an address in Orleans, and I'm not taking a map !!

Normal Days

God's been teaching me about love. Yesterday I realized that even while I am betraying Him, He loves me. That's a pretty big step from the judgmental, critical God I thought He was. How can I not trust a God who even as what I am doing nails Him to the cross - He loves.

This evening and tomorrow, I'm going to attend a course on Physical Healing. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm actually driving out to Orleans for it. I hate driving alone. Yuck, yuck, yuck. It's almost a fear. But, a couple days ago I decided that I can't not be doing fun stuff because I don't want to drive. Seriously - that's pretty limiting living in Ottawa.

I've woken up this morning with a headache - I had it yesterday too. I don't like the feel of it. It's one of those stress headaches, but there's nothing I'm stressed about.

Post Futsal PMS

Futsal hurts. Even being a keeper without all the running - I still hurt after Futsal. Really, I'm not so old as to consider quiting the game. It could be PMS, my body ACHES !! I'm dreading my personal training session tomorrow.

In other news, I picked up a brochure for the piano school down the street. I've been wanting to learn to play for awhile now. I bought a really neat keyboard three weeks ago. It's plays songs, and it's got lights and speaks to tell you which fingers to use. It's neat. But, I don't even know anything about music. I know there's letters involved but that's about it. So, maybe some piano lessons are in order ... I'll have to fit it into my schedule somewheres....

Hmm....

Yes, I've also been pondering what it means to forgive someone and accept them. I recently struggled with feelings of doubt and anger towards a good friend. Doubt in myself, and anger with her - how could she ? how inconsiderate ? kind of anger. And, it stayed - I've discovered that just 'cause I tell myself and say out loud that I forgive someone does not mean that all the nasty thoughts I have towards them go away. Forgiving someone is hard. The decisions is hard, true. But, also - what does it look like to forgive practically ?

Anyways, in the case of my friend - I decided that I was going to love her anyways. I mean, other than that occasion we always got along great and had great fun.

Now, I'm faced with a co-worker who has ticked me off, is condescending, and has kicked me when I was down. How do I carry over the lesson I learned with my friend ? How do I forgive ? How do I actively ignore the condescension. I certainly can't love them, we aren't even friends. Or maybe I'm supposed to find a way ? Stay tuned ... I've got to figure this one out.

That's about it for today. Bed time !!! Wooohooo !! Hope I'm not hurting tomorrow and can actually enjoy the workout :|

Every day life

Soccer tonight - woohoo !! It's our year end tournament for the next three weeks. This season has been a little long, but I will miss our team. I think this is the last year we are playing Futsal together.

What else is new ? Ooooohhhh, I signed up for boxing classes; they're on Monday nights starting April 14th. And, yesterday - I bought pink boxing gloves. They're pretty cool :).

I've finally gotten into a pattern with my personal trainer at Goodlife. I signed up for these sessions last October, then I got headaches, moved, got sick - and finally last week was the first week we followed a schedule. This week we'll be doing 3 sessions, and next week 2.

There really is not that much new .... but I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging. Every time I go back and read old journals or blogs I find it neat, even the mundane stuff. So, here's me giving it another shot.

Trust

I'm reading this book called - "Breaking the Bondage of Legalism". Good book. I'm in the middle of a chapter about Brokenness. And, I've been praying about being teachable, malleable so that God doesn't have to break me before I learn something. My hopes were dashed by this line -

There is a theme running throughout God's creation and Scriptures, and this is that there can be no making without breaking.

Then there is this line :

Are you willing to say to the Lord, "I will allow You to put me through any experience that You want me to go through. I want You to do in and through me whatever You wish, Lord, for I belong to You and I fully trust You to have my best interest at heart?"

Gulp. Uh, nope. I don't have trust like that. Definitely - nope. My first thought is - it'll hurt, it'll hurt, it'll hurt. I mean seriously - if I have a choice between no pain and pain, I will choose no pain every time. That's a pretty intense question, but it is a true question. That's the kind of trust God wants - I have no doubt. Are people even capable of trusting that fully ?

Fortunately, God doesn't expect me to be perfect.

Technology

Headsets that read brain waves and make games do things.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7254078.stm

Doesn't that scare you ?

All those sci fi writers of long ago, they wrote about these things, and the abuse of them. I think they knew humanity well enough.

Just think about it. What drives the world ? Money. Power. Control. Acknowledging that there are exceptions. Doesn't this just make you go hmmm......

Hmmm......sounds like ingredients for an ugly recipe.

Falling in Love

I fell in love with my God in Kansas City.

But, let's start at the beginning. A dear friend invited me to spend New Year's in Kansas at the One Thing Conference run by the International House of Prayer (IHOP). For years and years I've done all of nothing on New Year's eve, so after some praying and fiddling over where to stay and plane schedules - I was off. That's as beginning as this gets, because I want to move on to the good stuff.

The conference went from Dec 27th to Jan 1st. I arrived late on the 27th and didn't make it until the first session of the 28th. And, I was captured. The hours and days went by in a blur. There were times of worship where I was lost in all the moments that make up hours. There were times of teaching that rang so true, so real and spoke of God's passion for me (and, everyone else) and there were times of teaching on how to be and do the things a child of God does.

And, it was intense. If you know me well, you know I'm intense. It scares me sometimes. And, I often curb that intensity in fear of scaring others. But, this was me. This place was about intensity. Feeling utterly, and completely lost, consumed, devoted, mesmerized and madly in love with God is what I was created to be. Here I learned that's what my intensity longs for and that it was ok to be like that. And, here was the first place in my entire life that I thought - this I can find purpose in. It is pure pleasure to think back to it.

And, there was healing. I cannot tell you what God did. But, He did. I feel a wholeness that I've never felt before. I have long wept for being single - seeking and longing for another. A couple days after returning, God pointed my heart out to me. And, my heart was ok being single. That is HUGE.

Oh, that I could spend my life in a place like that. Approriately, the reason behind the conference's title "One Thing" - Ps 27:4 - "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple."