Questions cont'd

One other question kept coming up last night. I didn't add it to my previous blog because it was not as big. The question was - what do I do now ? I know it is "great strides" to come to the point of asking the big questions. But, what happens now ? Being at the place of asking all these questions is not fun. I want out !! So, what do I do now ? How do I get out ? How do I find the answers ? What am I supposed to do ? What's the next step ? I'm very goal oriented when it comes to my journey.

Why do I add this (these) question(s) now ? 'Cause this morning I read a friend's blog : Standing

And, there was one answer. In all this turmoil, all this mental, emotional, and spiritual tumbling - it seems my job is to stand.

Ok - that I can do. Or maybe not ... I'm really not sure about the standing up part of standing. Right now I'm alternating between crouching, ducking, stamping my foot and sticking my head in the sand.

Is it simply enough to not give up ground ?

Big Questions

Another good conversation with a great friend last night. I'm so blessed.

The last several weeks I've thought a lot about God, and I've seen a lot of things about myself to which I'd been blind. I never knew that I was so incredibly creative at being in denial.

Up to this point in life I've never questioned God. Even the idea was frightening. The image of a big God, itsy, bitsy people the size of ants comes to mind. I definitely did not want to piss off God. So, I didn't ask, or question, I denied all doubt, didn't allow myself to be angry, told myself that it was stupid to be disappointed and completely ignored the fact that I was afraid.

La dee da - God is good. La dee da - God does what's best for me. La dee da - God is love.

All the while, I didn't feel Him or His love. He's definitely acted in my life. But, there is still so much hurt He has not healed - how could I trust Him. Is He good ? Is He good to me ?

La dee da - tow the party line. La dee da - quote scripture.

I've been at a church that "emphasizes a relationship and not a religion" for the past 7 years. You'd think I would've clued in to the fact that religion is how I lived my life. But no, I talked relationship, and convinced myself I was there. Yup. I'm a fake.

But, I'm a fake that wanted that relationship with God. I was trying to get to that place. It wasn't working, so I fooled myself into believing it was.

My friend yesterday said something to the effect that it is stunning/shocking when you come face to face with your true beliefs of God. It really is. And, it is scary. I'm still waiting for the lightning.

Identity vs. Belonging

I had a good conversation with a great friend last night. It was so nice to chat, it had been awhile. She brought up this question about Identity vs. Belonging. And, it has made me think.

I suspect that I gave up huge parts of my identity so that I could fit into my culture and my family growing up. But, I've always had a nagging doubt that I really don't fit in. And that nagging has stayed with me during school, work, and my current church.

And, it just seems to fit in with my previous post about two worlds. Perhaps in trying to fit into too many areas, I became so much of a chameleon - I lost my own likes and dislikes. That is sad.

Sadder still is that with all of that - I still never felt like I belonged. My friend yesterday asked me what would it take for me to feel like I belonged. The temptation is to say that it's my surroundings, I have to avoid people who judge, people who criticized or negative people. The reality is - most places have people like that, if not all the time, some of the time.

I believe that the key to belonging is figuring out who I am. What do I like ? What do I dislike ? What kind of things do I enjoy doing ? What do I hate doing ? Music ? Art ? Books ? What are my qualities ? What are my weaknesses ? Then being ok with those. Then finding a place I enjoy being.

That's about as close as I can come to now.

Two worlds

Sometimes I feel like I am caught between two worlds. Being raised by Egyptian parents in Canada has made for some tricky situations. In addition, the Christian community I grew up in has its own quirks. I'm not really sure how to navigate the different issues that arise.

What am I supposed to do ? Do what my instincts tell me ? Do what my parents are telling me is right ? Do what I think is right? Difficult since I'm not really clear on what I think is right. Do what my Canadian culture says is right ? How about my Canadian Church culture ? Sometimes, I am just at a loss.

Well, a situation arose over the last little while. I was troubled, so I prayed. Then, having no clear "Thou shalt ...", I went with what I was feeling. Well, wouldn't you know it, my parents and my sister strongly disagreed with my choice. I felt clobbered, and beat up in the worst way. And, before it even started there was plenty on my mind. It was difficult.

This is not the first time it happens. This time it exhausted me. In the past, I have often given in - to my detriment. Now, I am trying to stand my ground - it is scary.

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10.

My previous blog stated that depression "steals, kills and destroys". I've seen it; I've experienced it doing just that. Is depression Satan ? I don't know. Is it caused by Satan ? I don't know. Many other things steal, kill and destroy. Mostly, they are things that people do to one another or to themselves.

Depression isn't like that. It's not a verb. There is no action associated with it. But, I digress...

Jesus came so that we may have life, abundant life. Depression steals life. Why does it continue to exist in those who believe and follow Him ? Why does it last for years ? Why does it continue to steal, destroy and succeed at killing those who believe in and struggle to follow Him ?

Depression sucks

Depression sucks.

It eats away at who you are. It eats away at what you want to do. It eats away at who you think you are. It eats away at your thoughts, replacing them with doubt and fear. After all that eating - it is still hungry. It eats away at your desire to live. Eventually, there is nothing.

The most courageous people I know are the ones that live with depression. Next on my list of courageous people are those who are on their way or have made their way back from depression.
Some of the most loving people are those who love people going through depression. Many times a those struggling with depression have nothing to give, no desire to live, no way to return love, not a smile or even appreciation.

Depression is not a difficult life; it is difficult living. There are many who have a difficult life. How many stories are there of courageous children suffering from horrible disease? They are sometimes the most loving, the most filled with joy, the most encouraging and the most hope filled and loving people. Often they experience pain, terrible procedures and are severely limited in their ability to do "normal" things.

We look at them and understand that they are in pain, and that their life may be short. We commend them for fighting. Many have a desire to live life to the fullest, overcome their limitations, love others.

Not so with depression. These people hurt almost all the time, or have gotten to the point of numbness. They are not a joy to be with. They do not have pain we can see. They may even have wonderful lives, be gifted with physical health and lovely families. Yet, they do not have a desire to live, achieve, grow, overcome.

We cannot see what is wrong. We do not know what can make it better. Do they even want to get better ? Why are they not responding to our loving them ? The closest we want to be is far away.

They do not look very courageous. Often they look lazy, unwilling to see the beauty around them, unwilling to get up, unwilling to hope, unwilling to overcome, unwilling to let us help.

Depression is debilitating. It takes those we love far beyond our reach. It hurts them. It takes away their ability to see good; it takes away their desire to be with us; it takes away their desire to live.

It is far worse for those living with it in them. It steals, kills and destroys. All that life has to offer is stolen. All that remains is existence. Years of potential lost.

Depression sucks.

Open house

So, today's the first day of showings. I can't believe how nervous I am. I didn't think I would be. Then again, I didn't think I'd be so emotional about selling the house in the first place. I'm not even sure what I'm nervous about. Is it what people will say? Is it about how much I'll get for it? Is it about my cat trying to sneak past unsuspecting people?

A bunch of people at church are reading the Purpose Driven Life together. We did it years ago. It is kind of cool how different parts are jumping out at me this time around.

Which reminds me, I highly recommend reading the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. I think I've read it a dozen times in the last year, if not more. It is a powerful expression of where we come from and how God's love heals.

Last night, at homegroup, I shared some of the stuff I've been realizing over the last little while. It isn't often that I share my thoughts and heart with my homegroup, so it was pretty cool, well at least from my perspective ;-).

I've been thinking more about where to spend my energy at church.

October already

I totally missed September. The mind is a funny thing.

Well, my real estate agent came in yesterday, helped me re-arrange all my furniture, took pictures and now - the house is up. It is for sale. Ooohhh that's an emotional thing. Me, who has trouble changing cars (I've taken pictures of all my previous cars) - now, I'm actually moving. Yikes !

But, the future is looking good. The funny thing is - I have no idea what it holds. Work is good, I'm enjoying it. Life is good, except for the occasional dips where I need learn something. And, the future is looking good, because I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now. That's pretty cool.

Pictures from Egypt are still coming....they've been coming for three weeks now :p. I've been so buzy learning to eat properly and prepping meals, as well as figuring out what is going on with my house, and working on the website. Throw in a few confused days and it equals three weeks. And I have yet to do the laundry. It's amazing I find time for TV ;-)

The last day

Last day of my Egyptian vacation. The day was full, full, full.

First, we went to bed late last night, about 2ish. Then, Dad called at 6:00am. Which translates into a very sleepy Sylvia who can't get back to sleep after waking up.

Quiet time, then a quick shopping trip resulted in three hair bands, two watches, and a belt. How can I say no to Egyptian prices ... divided by 5 ?

Did you know they had Pet Stores in Egypt ? I didn't. I love discovering this new to me stuff. And, I miss my cat.

Then, off to see my sister's mother and sister in law. They are such good people. We really did not get the chance to spend any time with them at all. There are always too many people and not enough time in these trips.

Then, we visited with my mother's uncle's wife and their family. It was so nice to catch up with M. By the end though, I was falling asleep. We finally got home, or near home (where the internet cafe is....). I'm trying to stay awake with Turkish coffee - unfortunately a bad turkish coffee.

I honestly think there is no sleep on the horizon for me tonight. Plane leaves at 6:30am, so, we are at the airport at 4:30am. So, we leave home at 3:30am, so I should be up at 3. There are not that many hours between then and now (8:45pm), considering we have some birthdays to celebrate, and last goodbyes....

Vacation from my vacation lasts as long as the plane ride, and I'm back to work on Monday.

For once, I am ready to leave Egypt. It has been a wonderful full trip - I'm tired, I want to go home to my regular hours :D.

Next Stop - Canada 7:30pm.

Egyptian Museum

I spent the morning at the Egyptian museum with Aym. It's been so long since I was last there that everything seemed brand new. They absolutely refused to let me in on at the Egyptian rate of 2LE, but instead at the Tourist rate of 50LE. Yikes !! That's a difference !

I like to imagine the lives of those people long ago. Some of the stories Aym told me they've discovered ... people have really not changed a lot in 5000 years. Our environment has, our houses, our modes of transportation, our modes of communication, but not us. We still love, we still hate, we're still petty, we're still jealous and even since back then there was a search for something bigger.

Did some tourist shopping, and bought the coolest prints and calendar.

Then a night out with my cousin Am and his wife V and their son L. He is one cute little guy, hi energy and incredibly cheerful and with such a joy for life. He is a pretty special little guy. He finds joy in shaking smarties boxes near his ear (and everyone else's - 'cause he likes to share his joy) just to hear the noise it makes. He is affectionate, loving, endlessly curious and social. He is an exact replica of his dad physically. And, my mom tells me Am was just like him as a kid. It's too bad I won't get to spend more time with him at this age :(.

Also, had a great chat with V. I like her. She's got opinions, she's got taste and she's got heart. Those two are such a great couple. She told me a little about her troubles with her in-laws, and though I love my family dearly - she's right on a lot of counts. The thing is they are all good people - my aunt, my uncle, my cousins and their wives. They've all got great hearts, but people's hurts and wounds and quirks collide so they don't get along, and they miss out on each other.

Anyways, we spent the night at a new section of Cairo. I'm not sure it is even Cairo. It's a gated area and it had a little fairground/theme park. We ate, we talked and I finally got to have a sheesha. I've been wanting to do for days now.

It ended with me feeling ill 'cause I probably shouldn't have eaten what I did, and a sheesha is pretty powerful tobacco so it left me a little dizzy. But, all ended well, they had relatively (in Egyptian terms) clean bathrooms and we found gum that helped settle my stomach 'til I got home.

Ugh.....

Sick today.....My Egyptian immune system isn't really up to date :p. I think all our plans are paused for the day. Rest, recover, and not need to go to the bathroom every 10 mins - and we'll be back to normal tomorrow.....or at least that is the plan :).

The Wedding

It was my cousin's wedding. Uncle G's son M. Before the last wedding I attended, I was so intimidated to dress up. This time it was way easier. God is definitely working on my self-image. He is so good. I still have a long way to go.

We came back from the Red Sea and rushed out to N's hairdresser. Oohh....he was good. He put my hair up, and it was lovely. His wife did an awesome job with my makeup. It felt really good. Which is an amazing thing for me to say - if you know me.

So, all dressed up - I went to the wedding. Some of my family members, my own cousin who I had just spent three days on the beach with didn't recognize me. Woohooo !!! I consider that a compliment :D.

The Red Sea

Hmmm... a good few days at the beach. We got here yesterday after a 3 hour micro bus ride. I chatted a little with Tante C about family stuff. We arrived in a little place called the Paradise resort and headed to the beach. Uncle S has trouble traveling and walking.

Ay and N with M and M joined us today. It has been fun getting to know them all.

The beach is beautiful. The water is nice and warm. And, the kids are great. I enjoyed chatting with my cousins' wives - N and H. I had a great chat with Tante C coming in on the microbus. A good chat N and a good chat with H. It is interesting how people have the same struggles, sometimes in different ways and sometimes in the same way.

There are buffet breakfasts and buffet suppers. I've had a great time with the suppers and breakfasts. A good time teasing M. He is such a funny, quiet guy. We've got tomorrow, and then we are off home and the weddinig Thursday night.

Hmmm....I haven't given any thought to the wedding.

A Different Egypt

Wow ! Has Cairo ever changed. About 18 years ago, I visited with St. Mary's church from Mississauga. The cars were old. The buildings were old. There were a couple of burger places, but nothing familiar.

Then, 6 years later I visited after graduating from University. Wow !! There was a McD's. How cool is that ? BTW - McD's in Egypt had real meat in their burgers and boy did they taste good :D.

Four years ago was my last visit. By then Cairo had changed even more. There were newer cars. And, wonder of wonders there was internet access, malls with movie theaters and an Arby's in Cairo (there still isn't one in Ottawa, Canada).

And, this time .... yikes ! There is a Starbucks. I immediately thought of those friends of mine who love Starbucks. An oasis in the middle of Cairo.

On the other hand - the traffic is the same. It takes a special sort of driver to drive in Egypt. Mostly, Egyptians are warm welcoming social people but the driving is cut throat. I want to take a video of it. If it is physically possible to do something, then they do it.

Egypt - Day 2

Another day in Egypt. This morning started with Teta L and Teta N arriving at about 9am. Oh, was I ever tired. I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. Too many noises. But, it was good. I had a little chance to spend some time with them.

Ay came at 10:30am.We went down to figure out if we could unlock our cell phones. Then Am came. We headed back upstairs to sit for a bit. And, I got some more time with Teta L; Teta N had left already. They are both nuns.

I think my entire family or culture is complicated. But, more on that later.

I went out to visit at Am's work. He's gone into business himself importing, exporting water pumps. And, his co-renter of the office imports/exports other stuff, computers, furniture, all sorts of things. He has these things he needs to have checked out in Canada.

Then Mom and Ay and M, Ay's son joined us. It was a nice time. Sitting and chatting

Tomorrow we are heading out to beach, off the Red Sea. Tante C, Uncle S, Mom, and I with Ash, his wife H and his two girls - J and F. It'll be fun getting to know them a little bit.

Aaaaahhhh ..... Egypt

There is a smell to Egypt. It's wonderful, and I've missed. I'm sure it's something unromantic like dust, and gas fumes, but it's lovely to me.

We are staying at my grandmother's apt. The last time I was here I shared a bedroom with her. She's gone now. But, it is nice to be here in her apartment. There is a big picture of her and my grandfather's wedding picture. Wow !! Does she ever look young. It's pretty cool.

We visited with Mom's cousin in Paris, France during our stop over. It was kind of neat. We're thinking of stopping over for a couple of days on the way home. It's hard to do that though ... we never want to leave here at the end. I've been praying about it....I'm not sure what God wants to do with that.

I've drank almost two liters of water since landing. It's only been 5 hours. But, you just sweat it out .... who needs a bathroom ? :p.

It is the season for dates here. Mmmmmm.....the closest I've had to fresh dates are the frozen ones Mom picked up at church. These are even better.

Oh....I'm quite tired now. So, I'll type more tomorrow.

Moving and other stuff.

I've had lots going in, on and around the house in the last couple of weeks. My dining room is painted a lovely green, and my kitchen a lighter shade of the same green. The cupboards are painted white. I've been blessed with awesome neighbors and friends. Some have helped get me further than I thought possible so quickly. And, others are just beginning to help. Considering it has only been two weeks, there is so much that has been accomplished.

AND, in the midst of all that, I attended a lovely wedding in London, Ontario. Injured my hand playing goalie in outdoor soccer (I'm actually typing with one finger on my left hand. I don't even remember when I did that last). Emptied my trunk of 5 (ok, 4 and a half) gallons of spilled paint. I should have taken pictures.....it's almost impossible to describe adequately. And, gone to work.... a regular 9 to 5 job. Yes, it would be gi-normous if it had just been me, but luckily it isn't.

Today, I read about a wonderful person. His life has caused me to look at mine. More thinking, and hopefully, even more action to come.

Taxes Done

Yes - I'm one of those people who waits beyond the last minute to do her taxes or more precisely to have her taxes done. I had a great chat yesterday with the Tax person on how I can make best use of my money. I couldn't sleep with all the selling/buying/renting possibilities. Not surprisingly, I'm praying for direction. There are too many possibilities and too many implications for me to figure out in my little head. That, and I'm seeking advice from a mortgage broker this Friday. But, she isn't just a mortgage broker - she's a Christian mortgage broker who prays with me when I cry, and counsels me on the best courses of action. And, understands where I am coming from, and how I make my decisions.

Yesterday's bible verse said, "Without counsel plans fail,but with many advisers they succeed." Proverbs 15:22

Interesting, eh ? Coincidently, I found myself asking many people for advice on this decision and where to go from here. Tax person, Mortgage broker person and real estate agent.

The possibilities are endless.....then again - God might send me to Africa, at which point all bets are off !

I went through half my kitchen last night - much less clutter. Well, more truthfully, the clutter is on the counter in a "got to get rid of" pile.

I'm targeting July 29th as the big day the house goes up.

2nd time in July

Woohoooo !! Already !! How many days does it take to create a habit ?

A lovely prophetic email this morning. It said

"July 4, 2007: Beloved, you must guard against exhaustion in this season. It will come from a variety of attacks by the enemy aimed at draining your energy. Set a watch for the lies of the devil that open a door to memories that re-establish a foundation for fear or rejection. If you entertain this work of the enemy against you through believing the lies, it will sap not only your physical strength and stamina, but will also diminish your mental acuity, your emotional stability and your spiritual strength. Rise up and defeat this enemy of your soul by resisting him vehemently, says the Lord. Ephesians 6:10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might." (http://ft111.com/smallstraws.htm)

It was particularly relevant to all the questions I've had about my move. All those questions were twirling in my mind exhausting me.

Some friends gave me their old BBQ yesterday. Woooohoooo !! I love BBQ'ed food.

Must prep my place for sale...ugh.

Must get back to work and finish this lovely document.

July....

Wow ! I missed all of June. But, I'm starting July well.....it's only the 3rd and I'm already blogging.

I had a great weekend in Cobourg. Great breakfast time with a good friend and lots of good chatting. Hmmm....significant for me is a new clarity in hearing and a lot less doubt and confusion. It is a wonderful thing.

I came away from my weekend with two things. One, I must move in with Mom and Dad. Its a long story, and I don't know the end of it yet. In summary, it is something that God put on my heart and I spent about a month ignoring it...it was and unpleasant time. Next the question was, what to do with the house...rent, sell ? I've got a strong sense of sell (see clarity :-).

I'm trying really hard not to worry about things like how will it feel ? Will I be able to eat properly ? What is going to happen if my cat and my dog don't get along ? What about my brother's allergies ? How will I set healthy boundaries ? Will I get swallowed up in past emotion ?

So many challenges and fears....but, I can see a lot of good that can come out of my move. I'm not sure what God's plan with it is though....I've got some guesses. Now, I have to figure out how on earth does someone go about selling a house.

Oh, I also spent some time at the Cobourg fair. Wow ! It was way bigger than I thought it would be. And, I bought some Blueberry Honey....mmmm, I have to see how that turns out.

What else ? Oh yes, there's these really cool electric bike things. I now want one. What's that website again .... oh yeah www.smartscooter.ca. And, I want to sell my car. I'm not sure that'll happen, but it would be nice to not have car and insurance payments.

To all you ....

To all you who write blogs more than three times a week - I salute you. I'm lucky to get more than three times a month. Sometimes I think about blog, but I don't know what to blog and sometimes I just forget to blog. And, sometimes what I want to blog just is not bloggable. I wonder if blog is in the dictionary. It's probably on wikipedia by now though.

Tonight is the first night of outdoor soccer. I hear that we are bright orange. Which is fantastic, because orange is my new most favorite color in the world. I've been working out the last few weeks, stretching and praying - I haven't played outdoor in awhile. And, outdoor is harder on my poor body - so praying for no injuries and lots of fun. My sister is finally back to playing - after 7 years a wedding and two babies. I can't wait to play with her again.

Tomorrow, disaster relief car pooling. I love car pooling. I don't know if I love disaster relief work, but I guess I'll find out soon enough. I wonder what the temperature is in Vermont. Time to google away.

PS: The internet has created a whole new set of verbs.

Again

Emotional turmoil again. No reason again.
It'll be nice to be done with this part of my life. I hope God has it in His plan.

Freedom 33

I'm a little tired this morning - I've been trying to focus for the last hour and a half....my brain is just catching up ;).

It'd be really nice to explore all the things I'd like to explore. But, I'd have to quit my job. This morning, I was thinking that Interior Design would be a really cool thing to do. I'd also like to teach or try teaching. Life coaching has been at the back of my mind for awhile now. What else ? Oh yes, I've thought of doing a counseling something, not quite sure what. All these ideas, work just gets in the way :D.

Work is to earn money - I need to find another way to earn money.

It is very tempting to quit my job, move in with my parents, go back to school and experiment with all the things I might like to do. There is no point looking at people who have more freedom and complain that I don't have it. How do I get it ?

Lateness

Oh dear....'tis past my bedtime. I figure I'll get a quick blog in :D.

On the newsworthy front - I was bored yesterday, and decided to see what happens when you wash your cell phone. Apparently, it stops working. Even if it was in the pocket of your jeans. I'm praying over the phone - no life yet.

I spent the afternoon with a high school friend. 'Twas nice to visit. She's here for a week - up from LA. I hope to see her again before she leaves.

There were a few of us that went to high school together. People I just kind of knew. It's funny how long you can talk to people you knew long ago but didn't have much in common then. Yikes, realization of my age is sneaking up on me. It's been 15 years since high school. 15 years is close to half my life. Aah, but that is an aside. The visit made me realize how different a life I've lived compared to most people. Some of them have seen and lived things I can't even comprehend. I've led such a sheltered life.

That's enough for now, my brain is going around in sleepy circles.

Full circle

Isaiah 42:16 -
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them."

God gave me this scripture when I first started work here and felt overwhelmed (and rightfully so considering the last two years). In many ways I was blind, heck I'm probably still blind in many other ways. A few days ago, this scripture came up in a daily email I receive. It was so encouraging to be reminded that He will continue to bring me through ways I don't know. I am not familiar with any of the roads that I'm on. And, I'm not the same person I was - so, in some ways I'm not even familiar with the person making the journey. But, it is all good - the old road was a quietly scary and dangerous road. The old woman was hidden and scared.

Assurance

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. I'd had a similar one before with her. I realized that so many people are seeking a job like mine. It's permanancy, and its benefits are great. The last time around it opened my eyes to appreciating my job. It pays my bills, vacation time is good. It is permanent, and it has great health care benefits. In many ways I have not appreciated my job. I have been spoiled with having good jobs from the get go. God has really taken care of me in that area.
Since that time though, I've thought of leaving my job, and taking another one, with a lot less assurance, a lot less pay and a lot less benefits. And, have thought God was leading me to take those steps. Then, her and I chatted again yesterday and I recalled all the good things about my job (not the work or environment, but the things associated with having my job). And, I wondered perhaps all those thoughts of me moving out of my job and going to work for God were misguided. If I were to do that, my stability would be shot. And, do I really want my stability shot ?
These thoughts rolled around in my head.
Coming up here, I've realized that so many people whose life I admire - do not have that stability. And, I really do not need that stability. I do not have dependants. And, there is nothing in way of joy that stability provides me. And if I hold on to that stability - I will miss my destiny, my purpose.
It is really easy to speak of relying and being fully dependent on God. But, when it comes to quitting a stable job, not knowing how you will make ends meet, etc....then it becomes more real. And, when it comes to possibly losing my independence....again even more real. All this really does mean doing things that seem crazy and nonsensical to others.
Never fear, for now I'm not going to change anything. But, the seeds of drastic change have been planted, and watered. I'm still waiting for what and when.

Blogs resulting of resumes

I promise myself to blog every morning that I am at a computer :D.

I'm trying to work on my resume. This place that I'm working is weighing me down so much. I'm not sure where all this is coming from. I have so much resentment, so much hatred, so much self-doubt to work through just to be able to write down the work that I've done. It is no wonder that I've avoided putting this thing together.

As to this immense weight - I'm guessing of emotion. I feel like this place is poison to me. But, I'm not sure if it's the place, or my imagination, or my experiences in this place that are so poisonous. It is exhausting to come in to work sometimes. Things have been pretty alright until I had to work on my resume.

When will I be free from everything that has happened here ? I've forgiven as much as I can; I've fought to not hate or condemn. But, I still walk with a heaviness, a fear, a something....I feel like I'm always fighting to prove myself (I don't want to be doing that), and that I can never succeed.

Do I need to leave this place of work before things can get better ? Do I need to stay until things are better ? This certainly is not abundant life. It's rather suffocating actually.

Resume

Last night, I looked frantically for some old resumes to update. My goodness !! The latest one I had on my computer was from 2002 ! That was two whole jobs (and 5 years ago) ! I'm going to have trouble just listing everything I've done in my current job, let alone five years ago.

So, I scrambled and looked through old file folders. Phew ! I found the most recent one hiding in a little folder at the back of my folder storage box. That one takes me to the beginning of 2005. Luckily, or just because God loves me :), I must've slipped it into that folder rather than throw it away.

Type, type, type - I'm caught up to 2005. Now, I must remember what I've done here....

Post meeting

Thank you God for manager's who listen !!

I could not have asked for more. R and I talked. We don't have any answers yet - I didn't expect an immediate solution. But, I voiced my concerns and he listened. He asked for an updated resume. And, he said he'd think about what can be done.

So, I've got to find and work on my resume, but other than that I've done everything I needed to do, so the rest is in God's hands.

Wednesday

Wooohoooo - two days in a row :D.

So, I'll be talking to my new boss this afternoon. 2pm. I'm nervous. But, I've prayed about this and it's the best thing I can do now. My old and new boss have been long time friends. So, I hope and pray this will go well, and that I will have the proper words to say.

I'm thinking of starting out with something like - Since my leave, my goal has been to find a proper balance. When I met with B last week, I discovered that all the emotional upheaval that first caused me to go on sick leave was still present. I've been much more at peace and productive since I began working with you. I am concerned that if I return to working with B that all the stress that first caused me to seek leave will return. I do not want to go there again.

Something like that .... not blaming B, not blaming me - just describing the situation and seeking to move on from it.

Will blog more after the meeting.

Tuesday

Wow ! It's been a week already. So much for my mental note to blog.

In many ways, much has happened, but in some ways nothing at all has happened. How does one catch up on a blog ?

Aaahhhh well....I spent Good Friday at No Other Name with the youth. Fun, fun :D. I'm wondering if youth stuff is a fit for me. I totally enjoyed it. So much so that I question whether I can pause the fun and do the "adult" thing when I need to.

Worked a little more on the website - I'm surprised at how much fun it has been to figure out this software. I've got so many ideas; I could easily see myself on the computer all day every day working on this stuff. I don't even want to play computer games anymore :p, I'd rather do that.

I've also discovered that I've got a bit of an I can't and I'm defeated attitude. I had an idea of that before; the new discovery is the different areas in my life that that attitude affects.

I've discovered that I have boundaries that need to be re-built.

And, I had a conversation with my old boss. It was about 10 mins, and sent me into such a negative spin. I need to do something - I do not want to work for her again. It has far too negative an effect on me. I chatted with a friend here and she suggested that I speak to my current boss. I'm not sure if I will, but I'm also not sure what other options I have.

I finished watching Season 2 of Lost this past weekend. I hate it when they kill people that I like. I almost went on strike and stopped watching the rest of the season. But, I finished off the DVD's. I'm not sure if I'll be watching that show any more.

Not much to say ....

It's been several days now so I figured, I better type out something ;).

But, there isn't much to say right now. There are some things I'm thinking about and some things I'm sad about.

Yesterday, at my chiropactor's report - my chiro spoke about dreams and visions and goals. We chatted afterwards about it - I don't really have any of those things. He told me that at some point I was robbed of that, and that by the very fact we were having this conversation at that time means that God is doing something about that. And, that I should seek Him out, spend time in His word and expect to hear. He prayed with me, and I wept. It still amazes me how easily I cry now.

And, I'm sad about some of the relationships in my life. Hard to describe and far too long to do it. But, I'm seeking God's answers on this too.

And, finally (for not having much to say, this is much longer than I expected) - I'd like re-settle into eating well. How does one do that with Easter around the corner ?

Doo doo dee doo

After all the morning upset of yesterday, I learned a few good lessons, and some nifty reminders of old lessons. Sheesh....if only answers came pre-packaged and post-dated - open June 1st before 9am.

So, my first lesson - don't worry about what you don't know. I panicked and assumed that I'd be exactly where I was four months ago. Nope, no need for such nasty things as assumptions. And, I'm pretty sure that what I don't know falls under the "don't worry about tomorrow" scripture.

Next lesson was a refresher; God sets our rulers over us. That was handily reinforced this morning by Daniel 4, which I'd met before and think is a pretty cool story.

Then, of course, the obvious. God must think I'm ready for it. Perspective and all.....mine being led by wild-horse drawn emotions.

That being said, I've got a stay - the old boss has to go off on more training. Stay tuned ....