Insomnia

Last night was a really long, long night. It's been awhile since I haven't been able to sleep like that - I think I got 3 hours ? It's lots more fun when I get 3 hours sleep because I want to do something else. Laying in be for 8 hours and being asleep only is very much a pain. I'm praying for godo sleep tonight :).

Sick

Ugh .... I've been sick over the last couple of days, and I've got a drive up to SW tonight and tomorrow. I'm popping the Vit C pills like Candy. Why is is that when it is inconvenient - I get sick ? Mind you there is never a convenient time to be sick. It's funny - my head is a little dozy....not all thoughts are coming together properly.

Job

There are parts of my job that I absolutely love. And, there are parts of my job that I absolutely don't like (hate being a strong word). Good friends of mine are going through a time of job transition, and it makes me wonder about my own job. My job is good. It is stable, it pays well and provides wonderful benefits. I get paid vacation and sick leave. Lots of medical stuff is covered too. But, it does not use my gifts, it causes me stress and only certain parts provide me joy. There MUST be a better job or thing to earn me money out there. Of all the times where I can make a major transition in my life - this is it. I have some left over money from the house, my living costs are at a minimum.
There are two BUTs.

1) BUT - I'm afraid of letting go of the stability and safety of this job.
2) BUT - I want to follow what God wants for me, I honestly believe there is no other thing in my life that is worth doing than what He wants. I hope to define success more and more by doing what He wants.

But 2, kills But 1 - There is safety and stability in what God wants me to do, irrelevant of job.

Retreats

I haven't written for a few days .... time to catch up. I'm enjoying this .... as long as the mental sticky note to blog does not fall off.
Last weekend I participated in an amazing retreat. It was amazing because God showed up. The entire time He had His hand on people's hearts. People were impacted and challenged. And, my goodness did He ever touch my heart. He showed me some areas of so much pain. I can't describe it. I can't say these are the areas, and this is what He taught me, and this is how I feel now. Nope - it was lots of tears, but not a lot of understanding. But, I don't really need to understand because I know God shows and heals. He doesn't just stop at showing.
My stress level at work has increased. I think God is dealing with my perfectionism and fear to fail. Boy, does this area hurt and need help.

CS Lewis

I love this guy's writings. He is very point-y and makes me think. Here's some of my most favorite quotes by Lewis :

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want
to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even
an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;
avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of
your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless,
airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become
unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

One of my most favorite quotes. It's long, but it is said so well. If you've ever been hurt by love and said to yourself, this'll never happen again. Here's what you are risking. I've done it; it isn't pretty. It is safer not to hurt, but it is also safer to be dead. Neither is fun.

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

How true ! And, more true the more of God you know.

No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.

I remember pretending to be good, to myself and others. It was quite easy. God opened my eyes to the pretending, then I realized - it isn't easy to good, and man was I ever self-righteous?!

Tangent time - Pretending sucks. There is a pretty cool song by Plumb titled - "Good Behavior", it describes well what happens when I tried to be good my way

I was frozen in a fragile world
Of make believe and empty lies
....
Cause perfect only makes you crazy

there is no way that it could save me

Also very pointy.

Back to Lewis :

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

and

I have found a desire within myself that no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

I like to ponder those statements....

Mental Ramblings

Perhaps the title of a new blog ? Or just the title of this blog ?

Either way, onto the ramblings themselves. And, yes - I am bored at work waiting for things that need to happen to happen. I should probably work on the ability to generate work for myself. I'm sure it'd come in handy. Either way ....

I've noticed a TV trend or a trend in the TV that I like to watch. It's the idea of what do normal people do when abnormal things start happening. I picked up a show a couple years back called the 4400. Very cool show. It's about 4400 people who disappeared (abducted from earth by UFO's) over the last 200 years. They all suddenly reappear together at the same place at the same time - not having aged one bit. Weird.

What does a person do when their spouse who disappeared 40 years ago returns still 20, but they're 60 ?
Then there is the army guy, whose buddies are now in wheelchairs and he's still 18 ?
What does the American gov't do ? Because, of course, all these people reappear in the States.

Then, of course, they each develop a power. And, now ... how do they deal with that ?

In a similar vein - Heroes (another new favorite of mine). Regular people, rick, poor, greedy, generous, hate everybody, love everybody - a whole bunch of people discover they have powers. What does that do to a person ? How does that do to the people around them.

I've had the thought rolling in my head that we think of ourselves as civilized. But, the only reason we are civilized is that the society we live in has controls around everything - laws, rules, social norms. War, natural disasters, end times stuff....that messes with the rules. How will we behave when we don't have those rules directing us. Times like that test who we are and it tests our relationships.

Slow days

Yuck. The last few days at work have been slooooowwwwww. I'm waiting for one thing or another to get going. I hate slow days. Nothing to do, but twiddle me thumbs.

My cousins were here for the weekend. I love'em. We went to the casino Saturday night. I'm glad to say I remained under control. I even left a little more up than what I came in with. It's amazing to me how as long $20 will last if you play reasonably, not trying to win big or anything. One of my cousins spent 3 hours on the same machine and spent $5. That is considered a win in my book. We got home at 1:30am, and I got to sleep at 3am. Yikes ! That was 6 hours after my bed time. But, it was good. :)

The physical healing course went well. The guy teaching it was not at all dramatic. None of it was based on wow factor. It was all quiet - assuring us of what belongs to us because of Jesus. That's it. I'm excited - I want to try it out at homegroup. I'm afraid that I'll wimp out, but I've already talked to my leader - so, all that's left is the waiting, the praying and the timing. And, me not wimping out.

Women's retreat this weekend !! I can't wait.

Futsal end of year tournament this evening. Our first game will be a good one. The last time we played these guys we beat them by 1 pt. And, before that we'd only ever beaten them once. I'm all ready to practice my crazy goalie antics on them.

Forgiveness and Love

It sounds like I'm repeating myself. But, I'm not.
Last night, at the physical healing course, the instructor couldn't make it. He'd missed his plane. So, they showed a video of him teaching. Wouldn't you know it ? The thing he taught on was Forgiveness and Love. He said those two are the keys to opening the door for physical healing. How cool is that when God has been speaking to me about those very things over the last few days.
I've got another full day today. My cousins are in town, and I'll miss hanging out with them today, but we'll have this evening and tomorrow.

Love and Fitness

There are seasons in my life. Different times where God is speaking to me about something or having me work on something. There seem to be two smaller arcs right now.

First, I'm sensing that this season is time for me to work on my body, strengthening it and feeding it properly. And, that is where I am to spend that money I'm saving by not living on my own. My health and becoming healthy. That is an awesome goal - I'm going to enjoy getting there. And, as confirmation - I'm attending that physical healing course this evening.

Second, Love. I wrote a long journal entry on love yesterday. I'm feeling like love is the route to forgiving those people from work who hurt me. God loving me despite and during all the times that I betray and ignore Him is how I'll learn to love Him. Loving Him is how I'll finally overcome the sinful habits in my life. Loving Him, because He first loved me and loving others is what will drive my passion in life. And, just as confirmation - I'm attending a Women's retreat next weekend about loving well.

Oh yes, and I bought a GPS unit yesterday. I can't wait to really try it out. So far, its done a good job of getting me from home to work and back. Today's the test....I'm off to an address in Orleans, and I'm not taking a map !!

Normal Days

God's been teaching me about love. Yesterday I realized that even while I am betraying Him, He loves me. That's a pretty big step from the judgmental, critical God I thought He was. How can I not trust a God who even as what I am doing nails Him to the cross - He loves.

This evening and tomorrow, I'm going to attend a course on Physical Healing. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm actually driving out to Orleans for it. I hate driving alone. Yuck, yuck, yuck. It's almost a fear. But, a couple days ago I decided that I can't not be doing fun stuff because I don't want to drive. Seriously - that's pretty limiting living in Ottawa.

I've woken up this morning with a headache - I had it yesterday too. I don't like the feel of it. It's one of those stress headaches, but there's nothing I'm stressed about.

Post Futsal PMS

Futsal hurts. Even being a keeper without all the running - I still hurt after Futsal. Really, I'm not so old as to consider quiting the game. It could be PMS, my body ACHES !! I'm dreading my personal training session tomorrow.

In other news, I picked up a brochure for the piano school down the street. I've been wanting to learn to play for awhile now. I bought a really neat keyboard three weeks ago. It's plays songs, and it's got lights and speaks to tell you which fingers to use. It's neat. But, I don't even know anything about music. I know there's letters involved but that's about it. So, maybe some piano lessons are in order ... I'll have to fit it into my schedule somewheres....

Hmm....

Yes, I've also been pondering what it means to forgive someone and accept them. I recently struggled with feelings of doubt and anger towards a good friend. Doubt in myself, and anger with her - how could she ? how inconsiderate ? kind of anger. And, it stayed - I've discovered that just 'cause I tell myself and say out loud that I forgive someone does not mean that all the nasty thoughts I have towards them go away. Forgiving someone is hard. The decisions is hard, true. But, also - what does it look like to forgive practically ?

Anyways, in the case of my friend - I decided that I was going to love her anyways. I mean, other than that occasion we always got along great and had great fun.

Now, I'm faced with a co-worker who has ticked me off, is condescending, and has kicked me when I was down. How do I carry over the lesson I learned with my friend ? How do I forgive ? How do I actively ignore the condescension. I certainly can't love them, we aren't even friends. Or maybe I'm supposed to find a way ? Stay tuned ... I've got to figure this one out.

That's about it for today. Bed time !!! Wooohooo !! Hope I'm not hurting tomorrow and can actually enjoy the workout :|