Hate Goodbyes

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I don't like goodbyes. It is funny how friends see things that you don't. When she said it, I realized it was true. I really don't like good byes. Like really don't like them. Even when it is people I met for a couple of days. I don't like having to say good bye to them. Its like a bit of my heart is being torn out. It sounds silly and exagerated to my own ears. But, it is true.

At one point in my life I had stopped allowing myself to care and be open with many people . I'm not sure when it happened. But, this spring at IHOP the Lord kinda broke that down and my heart opened to a lot of people instead of a select few. Then, those people went home after our Commission ended, while I decided to stay.

My first days were miserable - I would cry almost every time I had to go to class. Luckily, my mom was with me and that made me feel less alone. Then she went home. And, I felt alone again. Shortly afterwards the Lord pointed out to me that I wasn't opening my heart to the new people in class because it would hurt too much when I left and I thought that I just wasn't going to be there long enough. So, I decided to open my heart. It was better to love people than to be alone out of fear.

When it was time to leave the Lord had some wonderful friends from back home who just "happened" to be passing through Kansas City to help. It was such a gift.

Then, I stopped by a friend's on the way home. I spent four days there. And, cried when leaving her place. It was weird, I wasn't used to all this crying. She's the one who pointed out my dislike for goodbyes.

Then, I come here to a little retreat house where people come and go. I meet them, I chat with them, I learn a little about who they are and then they leave. Lots of them. And, I can't not care about these people. When I decided to open my heart with my new set of classmates - it really opened. And will continue to be open unless I chose to close it. I won't do that.

Email helps, staying in touch helps, but I really DO NOT LIKE goodbyes.