Hate Goodbyes

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I don't like goodbyes. It is funny how friends see things that you don't. When she said it, I realized it was true. I really don't like good byes. Like really don't like them. Even when it is people I met for a couple of days. I don't like having to say good bye to them. Its like a bit of my heart is being torn out. It sounds silly and exagerated to my own ears. But, it is true.

At one point in my life I had stopped allowing myself to care and be open with many people . I'm not sure when it happened. But, this spring at IHOP the Lord kinda broke that down and my heart opened to a lot of people instead of a select few. Then, those people went home after our Commission ended, while I decided to stay.

My first days were miserable - I would cry almost every time I had to go to class. Luckily, my mom was with me and that made me feel less alone. Then she went home. And, I felt alone again. Shortly afterwards the Lord pointed out to me that I wasn't opening my heart to the new people in class because it would hurt too much when I left and I thought that I just wasn't going to be there long enough. So, I decided to open my heart. It was better to love people than to be alone out of fear.

When it was time to leave the Lord had some wonderful friends from back home who just "happened" to be passing through Kansas City to help. It was such a gift.

Then, I stopped by a friend's on the way home. I spent four days there. And, cried when leaving her place. It was weird, I wasn't used to all this crying. She's the one who pointed out my dislike for goodbyes.

Then, I come here to a little retreat house where people come and go. I meet them, I chat with them, I learn a little about who they are and then they leave. Lots of them. And, I can't not care about these people. When I decided to open my heart with my new set of classmates - it really opened. And will continue to be open unless I chose to close it. I won't do that.

Email helps, staying in touch helps, but I really DO NOT LIKE goodbyes.

Its and bits

Nothing of import happened in the last few days .... so here's some bits of thoughts.

It thundered and lightening-ed yesterday. Huge, immense gusts of wind. Apparently this is normal for this area in the mountains. Of note - none of the trees or houses fell over. It definitely commends building well, and building on rock.

I miss Chinese food and popcorn. But, I love Swiss cheese.

I went to bed late last night. My brain feels like painful mush.

Tomorrow is Monday, staff's day off at the Retreat House. It means I'll be fending for myself for lunch and supper. I sure hope it doesn't downpour tomorrow...it'd be a real pain making my way to the village in such yucky weather.

I must buy chocolate.

I love this place. It is such a huge blessing to be here. It is beautiful, peaceful, full of friendly people who speak to me in English, even if some of them work really hard to do it.

A life that flows

A life that flows, that's what I want. There's been a couple of little hints about it the last few days. A life that flows is one where work, worship. family time, relationships, God time all flow one into the other. It is tricky to find that balance.

One of the hard parts is work. To have a life that flows, my job has to be one I can dedicate my heart and life to. I think the job of being an at home mom is the best example of that. You never stop being a Mom. It is part of who you are. Sadly it doesn't pay enough and it is not possible for me right now.

So, assuming I have a job that I can dedicate myself to, the tricky part is to not over-work and not lose my identity in that job (hard for Moms I hear). So, that pulls the God time into the picture. God time is what decides my identity. Finding the balance for all this requires that I anchor it in my relationship with God. Out of that the rest blooms. If that suffers, the rest does as well.

That's my little plug for God time. And, here's another one.

A life that flows blows the idea of boundaries out of the water. I'm starting to realize that I don't like boundaries. Boundaries that set apart work hours. Boundaries that set apart relationships. Boundaries that set apart God time. I'm not talking about not doing those things - I'm talking about responding to each area in my life as the need arises. And, the only way to be able to respond appropriately is by having an ongoing, minute-by-minute relationship with Holy Spirit. After all, He knows everything (me, my energy, my needs, other people, their needs, my job and its requirements, my finances...I mean everything) and only He has the wisdom that can balance everything and that would allow me to do everything He has asked of me. This requires a sensitivity to hear God's voice and direction and a trust that He is directing. (Have to be careful though - it can so easily lead to pride, self-reliance and a God complex)

Not a pleasure trip

I've been in turmoil. There is a conflict between the things I would love to do (ie explore Europe) and what seems to be happening with this trip. I'm here in Amden, at the Bartimaus Prayer House and I keep thinking about all the time I've been wasting. I've been sleeping a lot and haven't even been able to explore the area I'm in as much as I would like. And, I've kept thinking, what will I tell the people back home. I have no excuse for not galavanting around Europe, and it's what I want to do....why can't I bring myself to do it ?

I realized my problem this morning. I've been viewing this is a pleasure trip. It isn't. It is a trip that God brought me on for His own reasons. And, His plan isn't for me to explore Europe. Its for something else. Maybe lots of somethings else. The thing is I don't know the plan. And, that's hard....not knowing. Because it feels like I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not doing things and I'm not enjoying myself and I'm feeling bad about not enjoying myself. It gets messy. But, my perspective was wrong.

If I view this as a God healing and dealing with me trip, a lot of the turmoil clears up. It means that I don't have to worry about doing a lot. It means it is ok to feel crappy and tired because healing is often physically and emotionally painful. It means that my focus can be on connecting with God instead of figuring out what to do next (and feeling crappy because I can't get myself to do it).

All that being said - it still feels like I'm a big wimp, even though I know that it takes a lot of strength to be weak and depend on God. My hope remains in that this is all worth it, because I am coming out of the wilderness.

"Who is this coming out of the wilderness leaning on her Beloved." Songs 8:5

A man in a cave

This morning I met a man at breakfast who lives in a cave. It was quite cool. Its Switzerland, mountains everywhere - makes sense that there would be a cave and that a man would choose to live in it. He spends his summers in the cave and winters in Zurich. Buys his food in town, but gets his water from a spring and baths in a little area a bit away. Says that life is good that way. He was a quiet sort.

Day in Basel

I decided a walking and bus tour of Basel was appropriate. After all, I don't think I'll be back before I leave Switzerland. Basel has all sorts of neat winding streets. 8 Francs gave me the right to jump on and off all their buses and trams. But of course, the city was best seen by foot. And, it really is small enough that you can walk to most of the interesting sites. Here's some of my favorite shots:

A winding street

Basel Town Hall

Old Town Gate

Puppet Museum

And, I had to end my evening with Chinese food from Mister Wong's.

First Days in Switzerland

So, Switzerland so far ...

I had a lovely trip from Ottawa to Amsterdam with my parents, who were continuing on to Cairo. I love planes and it was nice to travel with them.

I arrived a little late, but to a welcoming friend who picked me up at the airport with a bar of chocolate in her hand. Definitely a Swiss welcome.

So far we've visited the villages of Thun, and Amden. Both beautiful. The water in the lakes is amazingly clear here - I mean, you can see the duck's feet in that 3rd picture. I'm really tempted to taste it directly from the lake - but, I've been Canada trained to suspect all water.

These pictures were taken in and around the village of Thun.

Next I'm heading back up to Amden for a nice 10 day retreat in the mountains. I'm really looking forward to that. Some get down with God time. After that ... .who knows, hopefully God will reveal it soon.