One other question kept coming up last night. I didn't add it to my previous blog because it was not as big. The question was - what do I do now ? I know it is "great strides" to come to the point of asking the big questions. But, what happens now ? Being at the place of asking all these questions is not fun. I want out !! So, what do I do now ? How do I get out ? How do I find the answers ? What am I supposed to do ? What's the next step ? I'm very goal oriented when it comes to my journey.
Why do I add this (these) question(s) now ? 'Cause this morning I read a friend's blog : Standing
And, there was one answer. In all this turmoil, all this mental, emotional, and spiritual tumbling - it seems my job is to stand.
Ok - that I can do. Or maybe not ... I'm really not sure about the standing up part of standing. Right now I'm alternating between crouching, ducking, stamping my foot and sticking my head in the sand.
Is it simply enough to not give up ground ?
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Big Questions
Another good conversation with a great friend last night. I'm so blessed.
The last several weeks I've thought a lot about God, and I've seen a lot of things about myself to which I'd been blind. I never knew that I was so incredibly creative at being in denial.
Up to this point in life I've never questioned God. Even the idea was frightening. The image of a big God, itsy, bitsy people the size of ants comes to mind. I definitely did not want to piss off God. So, I didn't ask, or question, I denied all doubt, didn't allow myself to be angry, told myself that it was stupid to be disappointed and completely ignored the fact that I was afraid.
La dee da - God is good. La dee da - God does what's best for me. La dee da - God is love.
All the while, I didn't feel Him or His love. He's definitely acted in my life. But, there is still so much hurt He has not healed - how could I trust Him. Is He good ? Is He good to me ?
La dee da - tow the party line. La dee da - quote scripture.
I've been at a church that "emphasizes a relationship and not a religion" for the past 7 years. You'd think I would've clued in to the fact that religion is how I lived my life. But no, I talked relationship, and convinced myself I was there. Yup. I'm a fake.
But, I'm a fake that wanted that relationship with God. I was trying to get to that place. It wasn't working, so I fooled myself into believing it was.
My friend yesterday said something to the effect that it is stunning/shocking when you come face to face with your true beliefs of God. It really is. And, it is scary. I'm still waiting for the lightning.
The last several weeks I've thought a lot about God, and I've seen a lot of things about myself to which I'd been blind. I never knew that I was so incredibly creative at being in denial.
Up to this point in life I've never questioned God. Even the idea was frightening. The image of a big God, itsy, bitsy people the size of ants comes to mind. I definitely did not want to piss off God. So, I didn't ask, or question, I denied all doubt, didn't allow myself to be angry, told myself that it was stupid to be disappointed and completely ignored the fact that I was afraid.
La dee da - God is good. La dee da - God does what's best for me. La dee da - God is love.
All the while, I didn't feel Him or His love. He's definitely acted in my life. But, there is still so much hurt He has not healed - how could I trust Him. Is He good ? Is He good to me ?
La dee da - tow the party line. La dee da - quote scripture.
I've been at a church that "emphasizes a relationship and not a religion" for the past 7 years. You'd think I would've clued in to the fact that religion is how I lived my life. But no, I talked relationship, and convinced myself I was there. Yup. I'm a fake.
But, I'm a fake that wanted that relationship with God. I was trying to get to that place. It wasn't working, so I fooled myself into believing it was.
My friend yesterday said something to the effect that it is stunning/shocking when you come face to face with your true beliefs of God. It really is. And, it is scary. I'm still waiting for the lightning.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Identity vs. Belonging
I had a good conversation with a great friend last night. It was so nice to chat, it had been awhile. She brought up this question about Identity vs. Belonging. And, it has made me think.
I suspect that I gave up huge parts of my identity so that I could fit into my culture and my family growing up. But, I've always had a nagging doubt that I really don't fit in. And that nagging has stayed with me during school, work, and my current church.
And, it just seems to fit in with my previous post about two worlds. Perhaps in trying to fit into too many areas, I became so much of a chameleon - I lost my own likes and dislikes. That is sad.
Sadder still is that with all of that - I still never felt like I belonged. My friend yesterday asked me what would it take for me to feel like I belonged. The temptation is to say that it's my surroundings, I have to avoid people who judge, people who criticized or negative people. The reality is - most places have people like that, if not all the time, some of the time.
I believe that the key to belonging is figuring out who I am. What do I like ? What do I dislike ? What kind of things do I enjoy doing ? What do I hate doing ? Music ? Art ? Books ? What are my qualities ? What are my weaknesses ? Then being ok with those. Then finding a place I enjoy being.
That's about as close as I can come to now.
I suspect that I gave up huge parts of my identity so that I could fit into my culture and my family growing up. But, I've always had a nagging doubt that I really don't fit in. And that nagging has stayed with me during school, work, and my current church.
And, it just seems to fit in with my previous post about two worlds. Perhaps in trying to fit into too many areas, I became so much of a chameleon - I lost my own likes and dislikes. That is sad.
Sadder still is that with all of that - I still never felt like I belonged. My friend yesterday asked me what would it take for me to feel like I belonged. The temptation is to say that it's my surroundings, I have to avoid people who judge, people who criticized or negative people. The reality is - most places have people like that, if not all the time, some of the time.
I believe that the key to belonging is figuring out who I am. What do I like ? What do I dislike ? What kind of things do I enjoy doing ? What do I hate doing ? Music ? Art ? Books ? What are my qualities ? What are my weaknesses ? Then being ok with those. Then finding a place I enjoy being.
That's about as close as I can come to now.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Two worlds
Sometimes I feel like I am caught between two worlds. Being raised by Egyptian parents in Canada has made for some tricky situations. In addition, the Christian community I grew up in has its own quirks. I'm not really sure how to navigate the different issues that arise.
What am I supposed to do ? Do what my instincts tell me ? Do what my parents are telling me is right ? Do what I think is right? Difficult since I'm not really clear on what I think is right. Do what my Canadian culture says is right ? How about my Canadian Church culture ? Sometimes, I am just at a loss.
Well, a situation arose over the last little while. I was troubled, so I prayed. Then, having no clear "Thou shalt ...", I went with what I was feeling. Well, wouldn't you know it, my parents and my sister strongly disagreed with my choice. I felt clobbered, and beat up in the worst way. And, before it even started there was plenty on my mind. It was difficult.
This is not the first time it happens. This time it exhausted me. In the past, I have often given in - to my detriment. Now, I am trying to stand my ground - it is scary.
What am I supposed to do ? Do what my instincts tell me ? Do what my parents are telling me is right ? Do what I think is right? Difficult since I'm not really clear on what I think is right. Do what my Canadian culture says is right ? How about my Canadian Church culture ? Sometimes, I am just at a loss.
Well, a situation arose over the last little while. I was troubled, so I prayed. Then, having no clear "Thou shalt ...", I went with what I was feeling. Well, wouldn't you know it, my parents and my sister strongly disagreed with my choice. I felt clobbered, and beat up in the worst way. And, before it even started there was plenty on my mind. It was difficult.
This is not the first time it happens. This time it exhausted me. In the past, I have often given in - to my detriment. Now, I am trying to stand my ground - it is scary.
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