Dreams

I'm verrryyy excited !! I believe God is starting to show me a dream, a purpose. I'm almost afraid to believe it .... it's been so long, and there have been so many disappointments, things I believed would happen but didn't. However, this time - it is different. The times before they were things I wanted or things I thought I would be good at, but it didn't have that inner affirmation from God. This time, this time it feels like it is from God.

Oh....the anticipation. I can't wait to get confirmation ! I can't wait to get the "Go" from God about my job. I still need to spend some time researching, and spend some time figuring out what this'll look like.

Tomorrow night there is a very cool revival meeting. It started it Lakeland, Florida and now, some people who have been down there have come up here to share it. I can't wait !! I believe God has something there for me. My hope is that it is confirmation, or direction. Or maybe something more than I can imagine. Regardless, it will be awesome to spend time in the presence of God. It's been too long since I"ve attended something really powerful.

Oh, and as to the dream, so far my sense is that it has to do with healing touch, maybe massage, prayer and intercession. It's vague - but, nothing has had me this excited.

Aargh !! I'm determined to do this in God's timing, in God's way - I don't want to be one of those people who get a hint of something, jump right and start making all the decisions and determining what it'll look like and then fall flat on their face because it wasn't what God had intended.

Patience is a virtue.

Tasmanian Tiger

Three days ago I read about the Tasmanian Tiger. It is extinct now - though there are still people hoping to find it. The last one died in a zoo in 1938 (I think). The pictures I saw didn't look like a tiger at all, but more like a striped dog. It made me sad to think that this animal was hunted down because people were afraid of it, until there were just no more of them.
I don't really know why it makes me sad - I wasn't there, it has nothing to do with me and it was a long time ago.
I keep thinking of what that animal must've felt, being chased and killed and it looks like a dog - it breaks my heart.

This is why I stay away from discussions of endangered species and why I pretend to not care. I guess it is because I really, really do. Too much - so much that I get stuck in the sadness of it.

Moving

Aaaahhhh.....the signs of my exciting life !

I'm changing cubicles today. My phone has been transferred and my day is going to be filled with moving my books, and computer over.

I'm kinda sad because the last three years there has been no one in my little corner and finally some people were moved beside. Woohoooo !! People !! And, now - I'm being moved.

My current office has a big beautiful window....my new office has a big blue wall with half a window :|.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts - I can't wait to decorate that blue wall.

Barrenness

Barrenness - describes well what has tormented me the last few days.

That aside for a second.

I go to a pretty cool church. And, I know some pretty cool people from that church. My church challenges people to change, and grow. It challenges people to get sin out of their lives. It encourages people to seek out their purpose and dreams and pursue them.

It is a hard church to be in when God does not show you or give you a dream or purpose.

And, it is a hard church to be in because it is full of people with families and children.

Barrenness.

I have failed at keeping my life clean.

Barrenness.

No comfort, a landscape that is dry and empty with no fruit.

Barrenness.

What does one do with a desert ?
The grass is greener on the other side when you don't have grass.
And, when you don't have what it takes to grow grass.
Grass doesn't grow in the desert.

Barrenness.

Why?

Barrenness.

And, God says ...

Isaiah 41:18
I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs.

Blogging

I had two people recently tell me that they read my blogs. Now, I'm inspired to blog more.

Today I helped a friend move a wood pile. It was fun.

Then, I was telling another friend about it. And, I found it amusing that moving a wood pile was fun. And, then of course - I was amused by how amused I was at the fun I had moving a wood pile. So, it was a good time and afforded me two laughs at myself later.

God has changed a lot in me over the last year. Laying here this evening, I find myself wondering if they are real changes. I ask myself this because there are still some nasty habits that are alive and healthy. There are still hurts in my heart that hurt, and I'm starting to realize that others are not hurt by the same things. Many times I've thought - I'm ok, and been bowled over a little while later.

That's all the thoughts for now. It's hours past my bed time.

Straight up

Last Saturday I blew up at God. I have never blown up at God - it is after all quite a scary thing to do. People say to be honest with God and that He has big shoulders. Mostly, those sound like cliche's to me. Out came all sorts of nasties - completely out of proportion to what was actually happening.
I was pretty scared afterwards, at a loss really. If it were a regular person - I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be talking to me. And, I expected to be shot down by lightning or something less dramatic but still painful. But nope - nothing. Actually, at church Sunday, God reminded me of Peter, who Jesus chased down so that their relationship could be re-established after Peter betrayed Him. Betraying, blowing up - it's all the same. So, God responded with no lightning, but comfort. What?!?
Who is God that He does this?
Since Saturday, I've been haunted by mean and petty thoughts. Thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking, because I want to be a nice person. Maybe that is the point - God wants more for me than nice. He wants honest, nice. And, before honest nice comes honest. That's where I am at now.
It still doesn't feel very nice though.