Lateness

Oh dear....'tis past my bedtime. I figure I'll get a quick blog in :D.

On the newsworthy front - I was bored yesterday, and decided to see what happens when you wash your cell phone. Apparently, it stops working. Even if it was in the pocket of your jeans. I'm praying over the phone - no life yet.

I spent the afternoon with a high school friend. 'Twas nice to visit. She's here for a week - up from LA. I hope to see her again before she leaves.

There were a few of us that went to high school together. People I just kind of knew. It's funny how long you can talk to people you knew long ago but didn't have much in common then. Yikes, realization of my age is sneaking up on me. It's been 15 years since high school. 15 years is close to half my life. Aah, but that is an aside. The visit made me realize how different a life I've lived compared to most people. Some of them have seen and lived things I can't even comprehend. I've led such a sheltered life.

That's enough for now, my brain is going around in sleepy circles.

Full circle

Isaiah 42:16 -
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them."

God gave me this scripture when I first started work here and felt overwhelmed (and rightfully so considering the last two years). In many ways I was blind, heck I'm probably still blind in many other ways. A few days ago, this scripture came up in a daily email I receive. It was so encouraging to be reminded that He will continue to bring me through ways I don't know. I am not familiar with any of the roads that I'm on. And, I'm not the same person I was - so, in some ways I'm not even familiar with the person making the journey. But, it is all good - the old road was a quietly scary and dangerous road. The old woman was hidden and scared.

Assurance

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. I'd had a similar one before with her. I realized that so many people are seeking a job like mine. It's permanancy, and its benefits are great. The last time around it opened my eyes to appreciating my job. It pays my bills, vacation time is good. It is permanent, and it has great health care benefits. In many ways I have not appreciated my job. I have been spoiled with having good jobs from the get go. God has really taken care of me in that area.
Since that time though, I've thought of leaving my job, and taking another one, with a lot less assurance, a lot less pay and a lot less benefits. And, have thought God was leading me to take those steps. Then, her and I chatted again yesterday and I recalled all the good things about my job (not the work or environment, but the things associated with having my job). And, I wondered perhaps all those thoughts of me moving out of my job and going to work for God were misguided. If I were to do that, my stability would be shot. And, do I really want my stability shot ?
These thoughts rolled around in my head.
Coming up here, I've realized that so many people whose life I admire - do not have that stability. And, I really do not need that stability. I do not have dependants. And, there is nothing in way of joy that stability provides me. And if I hold on to that stability - I will miss my destiny, my purpose.
It is really easy to speak of relying and being fully dependent on God. But, when it comes to quitting a stable job, not knowing how you will make ends meet, etc....then it becomes more real. And, when it comes to possibly losing my independence....again even more real. All this really does mean doing things that seem crazy and nonsensical to others.
Never fear, for now I'm not going to change anything. But, the seeds of drastic change have been planted, and watered. I'm still waiting for what and when.

Blogs resulting of resumes

I promise myself to blog every morning that I am at a computer :D.

I'm trying to work on my resume. This place that I'm working is weighing me down so much. I'm not sure where all this is coming from. I have so much resentment, so much hatred, so much self-doubt to work through just to be able to write down the work that I've done. It is no wonder that I've avoided putting this thing together.

As to this immense weight - I'm guessing of emotion. I feel like this place is poison to me. But, I'm not sure if it's the place, or my imagination, or my experiences in this place that are so poisonous. It is exhausting to come in to work sometimes. Things have been pretty alright until I had to work on my resume.

When will I be free from everything that has happened here ? I've forgiven as much as I can; I've fought to not hate or condemn. But, I still walk with a heaviness, a fear, a something....I feel like I'm always fighting to prove myself (I don't want to be doing that), and that I can never succeed.

Do I need to leave this place of work before things can get better ? Do I need to stay until things are better ? This certainly is not abundant life. It's rather suffocating actually.

Resume

Last night, I looked frantically for some old resumes to update. My goodness !! The latest one I had on my computer was from 2002 ! That was two whole jobs (and 5 years ago) ! I'm going to have trouble just listing everything I've done in my current job, let alone five years ago.

So, I scrambled and looked through old file folders. Phew ! I found the most recent one hiding in a little folder at the back of my folder storage box. That one takes me to the beginning of 2005. Luckily, or just because God loves me :), I must've slipped it into that folder rather than throw it away.

Type, type, type - I'm caught up to 2005. Now, I must remember what I've done here....

Post meeting

Thank you God for manager's who listen !!

I could not have asked for more. R and I talked. We don't have any answers yet - I didn't expect an immediate solution. But, I voiced my concerns and he listened. He asked for an updated resume. And, he said he'd think about what can be done.

So, I've got to find and work on my resume, but other than that I've done everything I needed to do, so the rest is in God's hands.

Wednesday

Wooohoooo - two days in a row :D.

So, I'll be talking to my new boss this afternoon. 2pm. I'm nervous. But, I've prayed about this and it's the best thing I can do now. My old and new boss have been long time friends. So, I hope and pray this will go well, and that I will have the proper words to say.

I'm thinking of starting out with something like - Since my leave, my goal has been to find a proper balance. When I met with B last week, I discovered that all the emotional upheaval that first caused me to go on sick leave was still present. I've been much more at peace and productive since I began working with you. I am concerned that if I return to working with B that all the stress that first caused me to seek leave will return. I do not want to go there again.

Something like that .... not blaming B, not blaming me - just describing the situation and seeking to move on from it.

Will blog more after the meeting.

Tuesday

Wow ! It's been a week already. So much for my mental note to blog.

In many ways, much has happened, but in some ways nothing at all has happened. How does one catch up on a blog ?

Aaahhhh well....I spent Good Friday at No Other Name with the youth. Fun, fun :D. I'm wondering if youth stuff is a fit for me. I totally enjoyed it. So much so that I question whether I can pause the fun and do the "adult" thing when I need to.

Worked a little more on the website - I'm surprised at how much fun it has been to figure out this software. I've got so many ideas; I could easily see myself on the computer all day every day working on this stuff. I don't even want to play computer games anymore :p, I'd rather do that.

I've also discovered that I've got a bit of an I can't and I'm defeated attitude. I had an idea of that before; the new discovery is the different areas in my life that that attitude affects.

I've discovered that I have boundaries that need to be re-built.

And, I had a conversation with my old boss. It was about 10 mins, and sent me into such a negative spin. I need to do something - I do not want to work for her again. It has far too negative an effect on me. I chatted with a friend here and she suggested that I speak to my current boss. I'm not sure if I will, but I'm also not sure what other options I have.

I finished watching Season 2 of Lost this past weekend. I hate it when they kill people that I like. I almost went on strike and stopped watching the rest of the season. But, I finished off the DVD's. I'm not sure if I'll be watching that show any more.

Not much to say ....

It's been several days now so I figured, I better type out something ;).

But, there isn't much to say right now. There are some things I'm thinking about and some things I'm sad about.

Yesterday, at my chiropactor's report - my chiro spoke about dreams and visions and goals. We chatted afterwards about it - I don't really have any of those things. He told me that at some point I was robbed of that, and that by the very fact we were having this conversation at that time means that God is doing something about that. And, that I should seek Him out, spend time in His word and expect to hear. He prayed with me, and I wept. It still amazes me how easily I cry now.

And, I'm sad about some of the relationships in my life. Hard to describe and far too long to do it. But, I'm seeking God's answers on this too.

And, finally (for not having much to say, this is much longer than I expected) - I'd like re-settle into eating well. How does one do that with Easter around the corner ?