May 18th

We did an overview of Song of Solomon in class today.  We're spending the rest of the week on that.

This morning, a thought....

God doesn't always fix situations He changes our heart.  Its like I clued in.  I pray because someone is irritating and overbearing, but I have to deal with them daily.  I figure God's going to fix the situation - make it so that I don't have to deal with that person.  Nope He doesn't.  I'm so fixated on God changing the situation and ticked off that He doesn't - I miss what He is actually trying to do which is change my heart.  And, because nothing actually happens - I think God is not answering my prayers.  Whereas the truth is - He is trying to answer and I won't let Him because I'm too busy trying to get the answer I want.  

If instead of working to get the answer I want - I let God do His thing, my heart would change, I wouldn't be annoyed and the situation would be resolved - FASTER !  Maybe even as fast I would like it to be resolved.  

Not yet ...

So, change hasn't happenned yet.  Well, change has happenned, but it isn't the change the brings me out of the wilderness.  Mostly, I've been drawn in even deeper.  Grrrr....I've encountered areas of such pain that I cringe with.  And, yet still frustrating is the complete lack of a visible reason.  But, its good because I'm learning about mercy and grace in ways I've never experienced before.    Y'know a relationship with God is an experience.  You experience His mercy, when you do things that make you feel really guilty and He removes that guilt.  You experience His grace when you've gotten yourself stuck into a tight ugly spot and He pulls you out.  Religion is about experiencing God.

Yesterday we went on a picnic with our class.  It was nice.  Then a friend and I drove around for 3 hours, admired nature, gawked at beautiful houses and architecture and did a little shopping jaunt.

Through the Wilderness

End of February 2006 the Lord gave me this scripture about my upcoming time.  

Hos 2:14-15

 14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; 
       I will lead her into the desert 
       and speak tenderly to her.

  15 There I will give her back her vineyards, 
       and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. 
       There she will sing as in the days of her youth, 
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt."

The desert(aka wilderness) is not a pretty place; it is dry, arid, lonely.  It makes you thirsty and it makes you hungry.  So, God told me I was going to go through pain.  Hmmm....that's always what you want to hear - NOT.  

But, there is a promise in that scripture.  The promise is that God will speak tenderly to me and give me back my vineyards (aka good things), there will be hope and that I will sing (aka as a carefree child sings).

That began a time of unraveling in my life.  And, the first thing that really did me in was having to go on stress leave from work.  It was the first time in my entire life that anyone in authority did not like me or my work.  I did not know how to deal.  Then, God started releasing my emotions - that was messy.  There's a reason that they were all locked up. Even after I came back from stress leave - I experienced ....uhm, intensely troubling emotions.  

Many things unraveled during since then.  Its been hard, but good.  Try falling apart a whole lot and then discovering that there are even deeper levels of falling apart that you hadn't even experienced.

A friend asked me about a year ago - do you still feel like you are in the desert ?  I said yes, until I'm in the Promised Land, and fruitful (aka doing something useful, aka vineyards), then I'm in the desert.

Its been three years since God first highlighted that scripture to me.  Today, I think - I hope, I'm finally near the end.  Here's why:

I'm at IHOP-KC attending a course that highlights the book of Hosea.  Yesterday, I was a little ticked that my instructor seemed to have skipped the above scriptures.  But, its because He was supposed to mention it today (which he did).  This evening the same scripture was mentioned again at a service that I usually skip.  That's twice in one day.   

This evening's speaker also talked about one more thing near and dear to me, something I had been asking the Lord about - for awhile now.

You see, you cannot spend any time at IHOP without hearing about God giving people dreams, and people experiencing God (feeling Him, hearing Him) and experiencing gifts from God (tongues, healing, prophecy, etc...).  And, I have felt like I was missing out.  Mostly, I don't recall dreams, I can't say I've had a super duper God feeling, nor have I really, really operated in any of the gifts.  I felt overlooked and it caused serious heartache.

Well, this evening's speaker addressed that.  It is coming.  When you are in the back row and not much seems to be happening - something is coming.  Its prep time.

My hope is that it is time for change - time for the vineyards, the singing and getting out of the desert.  The tricky part is maintaining the focus and dependency on God that I learned in the desert.\