Struggles

The last few days I've been struggling in several ways. I've struggled to get into the Prayer Room. It has seemed boring and I've been restless going in. We're supposed to spend 4 hours here and it has felt like a really long time. I mean there's a band, and cool music, so earlier in the month I was feeling pretty good in the Prayer Room. I was reading my Bible, journaling, worshiping quietly, and singing. It was awesome. But, the last few days have been difficult - I was not getting into that rhythm, or finding the sweet spot.

And, I've been feeling lonely. It started when I started comparing myself to other people and then started feeling overlooked. That is quite painful.

And, I've felt this wall between me and God.  Its like my heart couldn't connect with Him, and I really needed Him to show me how to deal with my feelings.

All I've wanted to do is hide, watch videos and hang out in my apartment. But, that doesn't really solve anything.

So, I've been forcing myself out, and praying lots about finding my identity from God. And, making myself go to the Prayer Room.

I guess it was the right thing to do. God really does have the answer to my feelings. Spending time with Him really does make things better, even while I'm feeling that the wall is there.   When I forced myself into the Prayer Room, the first hour or two I couldn't physically or mentally sit still.  I repeatedly had to rein in my wandering thoughts and fight back the get up and leave feelings.   I had to ignore feeling disconnected from God.  By the end of my time there I felt this huge sense of peace, like things were going to be ok.

They say that even when you feel away from God, it isn't really true, because He is always there.  And, I guess this latest lesson is about that.  I knew I'm the one who put up the wall, but at the same I was confused as to why it was there.  Spending time with God made it better, even though I don't know exactly how it happened.  

And, as a bonus - the peace has totally stuck around.