God is Good

God is good.

I struggle with this one sometimes. I lie. I struggle with this one often.

But, He is. There is no unrighteousness in Him. There is no evil. There is no ounce of revenge. There is no minute particle of darkness. God is good. Not just that, but God is loving. He loves. There is not a moment when He does not love. There is not a moment that He does not want the absolute best for me.

How ? When there is sorrow. How can it be ? When there is unending pain. How can God be good and loving at those times ? And, yet He is.

Everything else must take second place to these truths. It is a struggle of faith. A struggle to get to the place of believing that God is good and loving despite what is going on. I believe this is a struggle that makes one strong.

Faith without works...

"Faith without works is dead" - James 2:20

This is an often quoted piece of scripture. It is even quoted by those who believe that works are not necessary for salvation. For those people it means that they have to put their faith to work or it isn't really alive.

It is scripture, and seems pretty clear - how can a person argue.

So, here's my problem - for awhile now, it is pretty clear to me that I'm not to "do" anything. I've fought against this often but God keeps bringing me back to not doing anything. I've had a good friend tell me that I should serve in some way, that it would help me get out of my struggle with loneliness and depression. It is a very commonly accepted way of overcoming depression and the self-focus that is caused by and causes depression. And, yet - I get a very strong impression that God doesn't want me to do anything. It didn't make sense.

Today, I got the answer to why. It's simple really. It is about a overcoming the performance mentality. Doing what is right is very, very deeply ingrained in me. And, God wants to tear it out. Performance mentality means that I need to perform to be loved, belong or be accepted. And, God wants me to know that I don't need to perform, or do, or serve or anything at all before I belong, love or am accepted by Him. He always loves (everyone all the time). Belonging to Him and being accepted by Him comes when I accepted Jesus.

"Faith without works is dead."

Faith without believing that I am unconditionally, loved, accepted and belonging is NOT Faith. Me believing those things to my innermost being is more important to God than anything I can do. Until I get it - He won't let me do anything.

Works without true faith is useless. It may help people feel better about themselves, feel like they belong, and that they are loved by those they serve and those who serve with them. But, none of those things have eternal value.

So, here is a challenge - do nothing. Try it. See how you feel. Does God still love you ? Do people still love you ? Does your church still appreciate you ? Do you still belong ? You can say "Yes" to all those questions now, but until you try it and explore how you feel when you do - you will never truly know.

Update 2010

Been awhile ....

I haven't found a new church yet. Not sure if I'm supposed to go back to my previous church. But, it is confusing and annoying.

Christmas was really good.

New Year's was awesome - I attended One Thing, run by IHOP in Kansas City. Very cool.

The Prayer Room is now free over the internet => here

I'm going on a cruise in March. It came about in less than a week. I didn't know that God sent people on cruises. Then again, He sent me to Switzerland. It'd be much easier for me to accept Him sending me to help poor people. Its a Christian cruise and conference....interesting. I'm excited to see what that looks like. No conference schedule yet - that's to arrive in the next few weeks.

Might take on a new role at work...I'm a little apprehensive. But, I think I'd rather take the challenge than wimp out.

Changing Churches

I'm in the midst of finding a new church. I am hating every minute of it.

My church wasn't a bad place. It was just a bad place for me. For many reasons and I take my share of the responsibility, I felt lonely. I felt the kind of lonely that had me in tears every Sunday before getting to church and after leaving it.

It hurt. Lots. It got so bad that I felt the pain of it starting Friday and lasting until Wednesday. You might think I'm exaggerating. I'm not - it was that intense. You might think I'm being dramatic - you're probably right. I come from a culture that is dramatic - they feel intensely and are very vocal about it. I inherited the intensity, I'm just not vocal.

I love community. I love sharing life with people and being involved in theirs. I love knowing and being known. I am loyal. I don't give up easily on people. Every time I saw someone leave my church - I hurt for them. It felt like a tearing apart and it broke my heart. Even those I didn't know personally.

And, now it is my turn and I hate it. I spent five weeks not going to church at all because it hurt so much and felt so lonely. Then God insisted. I spent the last two Sundays forcing myself to go to a different church, just to go. Still hating it. I told God that I was happy with just Him and I on Sunday mornings, listening to an online broadcast from IHOP church. But, He wanted me to go to a church here. Still hating every minute of it.

I truly wish I didn't have to leave my church. But, my last Sunday there utterly crushed me. There must be a church family out there where I won't feel so lonely, where I can connect with people, where I can give of myself, where people will notice quiet little me who has so much to offer but doesn't know how to do it, where I'll have somewhere to go for Easter and Christmas and won't have to spend them alone. I guess that is the hope to contrast against hating every minute of this process.

Practically speaking ....

Months and months since I wrote. I've had a lot of thoughts on what to blog, but never the time to blog.

There's a bit going on, and I'll update that later....

For now, my thoughts.

Last night at homegroup, we discussed relating to God in a loving way. I find we talk a lot about what our relationship with Him should look like, and how we should see Him. My big question is how do you do it ? All of our ideas are quite lovely, but they are really useless if we don't know how to apply it.

For example, we should see God as a loving Father. How do you do that ? What does a loving Father do when you screw up? What if you didn't have a father ? What if you had a father that wasn't loving ? What if you did have a loving father, but he wasn't perfect all the time. How do you interact with Someone who is like no one else you know ?

Fortunately, He does not expect us to get it. Actually, He expects us to NOT get it. You see, I think God is really practical. He knows that we learn how to relate by trial and error. And, I think we learn by testing. I don't mean the kind of testing that is all about proving Himself. I mean the kind of testing that is like showing Himself.

I think we set ourselves up for failure when we use all encompassing statements without looking at how to practically get there. Statements like you have to believe God loves you. Or you have to trust God.

The important part is how do you get to that place of trusting God. Or how do you get to a place where you know He loves you. How do you get there ?

Hate Goodbyes

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I don't like goodbyes. It is funny how friends see things that you don't. When she said it, I realized it was true. I really don't like good byes. Like really don't like them. Even when it is people I met for a couple of days. I don't like having to say good bye to them. Its like a bit of my heart is being torn out. It sounds silly and exagerated to my own ears. But, it is true.

At one point in my life I had stopped allowing myself to care and be open with many people . I'm not sure when it happened. But, this spring at IHOP the Lord kinda broke that down and my heart opened to a lot of people instead of a select few. Then, those people went home after our Commission ended, while I decided to stay.

My first days were miserable - I would cry almost every time I had to go to class. Luckily, my mom was with me and that made me feel less alone. Then she went home. And, I felt alone again. Shortly afterwards the Lord pointed out to me that I wasn't opening my heart to the new people in class because it would hurt too much when I left and I thought that I just wasn't going to be there long enough. So, I decided to open my heart. It was better to love people than to be alone out of fear.

When it was time to leave the Lord had some wonderful friends from back home who just "happened" to be passing through Kansas City to help. It was such a gift.

Then, I stopped by a friend's on the way home. I spent four days there. And, cried when leaving her place. It was weird, I wasn't used to all this crying. She's the one who pointed out my dislike for goodbyes.

Then, I come here to a little retreat house where people come and go. I meet them, I chat with them, I learn a little about who they are and then they leave. Lots of them. And, I can't not care about these people. When I decided to open my heart with my new set of classmates - it really opened. And will continue to be open unless I chose to close it. I won't do that.

Email helps, staying in touch helps, but I really DO NOT LIKE goodbyes.

Its and bits

Nothing of import happened in the last few days .... so here's some bits of thoughts.

It thundered and lightening-ed yesterday. Huge, immense gusts of wind. Apparently this is normal for this area in the mountains. Of note - none of the trees or houses fell over. It definitely commends building well, and building on rock.

I miss Chinese food and popcorn. But, I love Swiss cheese.

I went to bed late last night. My brain feels like painful mush.

Tomorrow is Monday, staff's day off at the Retreat House. It means I'll be fending for myself for lunch and supper. I sure hope it doesn't downpour tomorrow...it'd be a real pain making my way to the village in such yucky weather.

I must buy chocolate.

I love this place. It is such a huge blessing to be here. It is beautiful, peaceful, full of friendly people who speak to me in English, even if some of them work really hard to do it.