Insomnia, yet again

I really shouldn't be surprised.

After kicking butt and not letting myself wallow in self-pity and
loneliness, I'm hit with insomnia. Because really, in the mudhole of
self-pity and loneliness, I am distracted and offended with God and He
won't force change on me. So, pushing myself into gear was a fabulous
victory.

And, in the past insomnia has been a tool that Satan uses to weaken
me. But, I hit the Prayer Room and I guess I just have to keep watch
since there's nothing I can really do about not having slept.

Struggles

The last few days I've been struggling in several ways. I've struggled to get into the Prayer Room. It has seemed boring and I've been restless going in. We're supposed to spend 4 hours here and it has felt like a really long time. I mean there's a band, and cool music, so earlier in the month I was feeling pretty good in the Prayer Room. I was reading my Bible, journaling, worshiping quietly, and singing. It was awesome. But, the last few days have been difficult - I was not getting into that rhythm, or finding the sweet spot.

And, I've been feeling lonely. It started when I started comparing myself to other people and then started feeling overlooked. That is quite painful.

And, I've felt this wall between me and God.  Its like my heart couldn't connect with Him, and I really needed Him to show me how to deal with my feelings.

All I've wanted to do is hide, watch videos and hang out in my apartment. But, that doesn't really solve anything.

So, I've been forcing myself out, and praying lots about finding my identity from God. And, making myself go to the Prayer Room.

I guess it was the right thing to do. God really does have the answer to my feelings. Spending time with Him really does make things better, even while I'm feeling that the wall is there.   When I forced myself into the Prayer Room, the first hour or two I couldn't physically or mentally sit still.  I repeatedly had to rein in my wandering thoughts and fight back the get up and leave feelings.   I had to ignore feeling disconnected from God.  By the end of my time there I felt this huge sense of peace, like things were going to be ok.

They say that even when you feel away from God, it isn't really true, because He is always there.  And, I guess this latest lesson is about that.  I knew I'm the one who put up the wall, but at the same I was confused as to why it was there.  Spending time with God made it better, even though I don't know exactly how it happened.  

And, as a bonus - the peace has totally stuck around.

Designer Babies

So, I read this tidbit :

Singularity Hub writes"The Fertility Institutes recently stunned the fertility community by being the first company to boldly offer couples the opportunity to screen their embryos not only for diseases and gender, but also for completely benign characteristics such as eye color, hair color, and complexion. The Fertility Institutes proudly claims this is just the tip of the iceberg, and plans to offer almost any conceivable customization as science makes them available. Even as couples from across the globe are flocking in droves to pay the company their life's savings for a custom baby, opponents are vilifying the company for shattering moral and ethical boundaries. Like it or not, the era of designer babies is officially here and there is no going back."

At this link 

And, it is just scary.  How will this change our world ?  It means that it will no longer be about having a child, but having a custom built child.  The implications just blow my mind.  What happens if the child you "order" doesn't turn out the way you want ?  Do you get a refund - sorry this kid wasn't good enough ?  

An update of sorts ...

Wow ! Days just flow one into another here. We are off the topic of
David and into doing some other things, which I am too tired to
remember right now. I've been trying to take notes, but it is the
kind of stuff that changes your heart as it is being spoken, so I'm
too busy absorbing to bother with taking notes. Its a good thing they
are giving us the MP3 sets of these classes.

A bunch of us had supper at the Olive Cafe on Thursday. Good food,
decent prices, took home left overs.

Earlier this week, I decided that I would be staying on at IHOP 'til
the end of April. The stuff they teach is really, really good. Every
single day I feel a new small change in my heart. And, I feel like
God has even more planned for me here. I'm pretty excited for the
next two months, to see what it is that God has planned. But, I'm
also sad - I'm going to miss my family, my friends, my church family,
my cat.

I'm finally mostly over my cold. It took a good solid week of being
sick, then another week of my body recovering. Are the bugs more
potent or am I just getting older ?

My First Emailed Blog and David

So, did you know that you could email your blog to your blog and it
gets put up ? I just discovered it, here's my first go at it.

We've been studying David - I think I mentioned that. I've heard a
lot of messages about him - a man after God's heart. And, growing up
in church I thought I knew all the stories - David and Goliath, David
and Bethsheba, David being anointed by Samuel. But, our teachers were
talking about all these stages in David's life and how he approached
them and approached God in them, how God trained him. It was like -
whoa I didn't realize there was so much meat to his story.

For example - our teacher pointed out that when David started running
from Saul, all these wimps and runaways came with Him (1Sam 22:2), but
later on in his story, when Saul dies and they talk about all the men
with David. These men are now amazing warriors, they were called
mighty men (1 Chron 11:10-25). So what happened to them ? What did
David show or teach them to change them so completely? That's what I
want to learn from David's life.

Your best

I grew up learning all about giving my best to God. Its a lesson that makes sense; when you love somebody you give the best of what you have - not the left overs.

But, what happens when you feel like all you have are left overs ? What happens when you're convinced that there is just no best, better, good or even mediocre in your life? What happens if no matter how hard you try, you just continually fail.

The wise men had riches, the shepherds had sheep, the drummer boy had a drum.

What happens if you have nothing, and even after people try to convince you that there's good, you still feel like there's nothing ? Worse yet, what happens if what you've got is actually bad - bitterness, envy, anger, no self-control, selfishness and those are just the feelings, there is a whole load of actions that come out of those. What's if that's what you have ?

Somewhere lost in the "Give God Your Best" sermon is that God wants it all. He really does.

So, what happens Sunday morning when you're supposed to be singing songs about the wonders of God and all you can think of is bitterness and anger. What do you give God then ? Do you pack up and go home ? I've done that. It doesn't help.

Is it enough when all you can give is actually rotten ? What do you do ? Cut off the rotten bits and give Him the clean stuff ? Nope.

You give it all. The whole rotten apple. Don't try and fix it or clean it up without God. Don't try and hide it under pretty things. That's exhausting and it doesn't work.

So, what does this look like, practically ?

I don't know. I think it looks different in every person. For me, it means admitting to God that I'm far from perfect, that I'm full of unlovely feelings and actions. I don't sing louder and pretend that nothing is going on. I stop singing and tell God I'm mad at that person, I'm jealous of that person, and I can't get past how that other person hurt me, and that I'm scared to talk to Him because I feel fake. And, that I'm sorry for it.

Sometimes, it gets better, sometimes it doesn't. And, many times I have to deal with the exact same issues again next week, next day, next hour even.

I guess its part of the Journey with God - learning that its ok to give Him these things. Over time He makes good things from the nasties.

IHOP - The first days

Hmmm.....I don't really know what to write.  But, its been awhile since I updated this blog.

I'm in Kansas City, at the International House of Prayer (IHOP).  I'm here because at the One Thing conference I felt that I ought to come here for a bit of time.  I think I will be here a month.  But, until I figure out what I'll be doing in March - how long I remain here is still up in the air.  That being said, I've only booked the place here until Feb 28 and I've got a plane ticket taking me home that day.

This place is wonderful in so many ways.  I go into the prayer room and I want to stay there forever.  But, in the same breath I am bored.  Its like a little town within a town, and this little town is full of people who want to learn and love Jesus.  Me - I'm still trying to figure out what that means. 

I've rented a furnished apartment.  I moved in and started classes the next day.  So far classes have been a little boring.  The instructor has great info to give, and lots of stuff I need to re-visit on my own so that I can process.  But, somehow he still manages to bore me.  He expands, takes tangents and goes off topic far too often.

But, I've learned many things already.  We are talking about David, and using him to learn what its like to be intimate with God.  So, here's what I learned :

1) David's identity came from loving God and knowing God loved him.  All the other things he did were assignments he took on, shephard, singer, warrior, fugitive, king.  He took on and let go of these roles easily because they didn't color who he was at all. 

2) There was 20 years between the time David was told he would become king and the day he actually did.  That's a pretty long journey of preparation and it is reassuring in two ways.  One God made sure that David was ready, he had to go through a lot, and learn a lot.  So, whatever God has planned for me - He is preparing me and that means I will not fail (which is something I fear often).  And, second - I haven't been waiting 20 years. 

3) God deals with people's fears.  And, He starts with the big ones first.  This is one I still have to processs. 

My biggest lesson is number 1.  I knew coming here that the thing I needed most was to fill up on God.  I know very clearly that there is nothing I can do until I learn who He is and who I am and how we relate. 

One other thing the instructor said that was pretty powerful - God created each of us as a gift to Himself.

Onto the practical things - I got a few groceries, but I need more.  I have yet to figure out transportation to get them.  I have some idea...but, tomorrow will show how that works out.  I'm trying to stick to fresher veggies and fruits (those lessons I learned in Australia).  But, so far its been frozen stuff (at least its included frozen veggies). 

My schedule involves getting up early, going to the prayer room, going to class, then supper while watching a bit of Corner Gas, and a smaller stint in the prayer room.  Today I went for a walk.  I haven't gotten to know any of the other students yet.  We've had some small talk, but hopefully we'll get to know each other more over the next many days.

So much for not knowing what to write, eh ?