Big Questions

Another good conversation with a great friend last night. I'm so blessed.

The last several weeks I've thought a lot about God, and I've seen a lot of things about myself to which I'd been blind. I never knew that I was so incredibly creative at being in denial.

Up to this point in life I've never questioned God. Even the idea was frightening. The image of a big God, itsy, bitsy people the size of ants comes to mind. I definitely did not want to piss off God. So, I didn't ask, or question, I denied all doubt, didn't allow myself to be angry, told myself that it was stupid to be disappointed and completely ignored the fact that I was afraid.

La dee da - God is good. La dee da - God does what's best for me. La dee da - God is love.

All the while, I didn't feel Him or His love. He's definitely acted in my life. But, there is still so much hurt He has not healed - how could I trust Him. Is He good ? Is He good to me ?

La dee da - tow the party line. La dee da - quote scripture.

I've been at a church that "emphasizes a relationship and not a religion" for the past 7 years. You'd think I would've clued in to the fact that religion is how I lived my life. But no, I talked relationship, and convinced myself I was there. Yup. I'm a fake.

But, I'm a fake that wanted that relationship with God. I was trying to get to that place. It wasn't working, so I fooled myself into believing it was.

My friend yesterday said something to the effect that it is stunning/shocking when you come face to face with your true beliefs of God. It really is. And, it is scary. I'm still waiting for the lightning.