Last Saturday I blew up at God. I have never blown up at God - it is after all quite a scary thing to do. People say to be honest with God and that He has big shoulders. Mostly, those sound like cliche's to me. Out came all sorts of nasties - completely out of proportion to what was actually happening.
I was pretty scared afterwards, at a loss really. If it were a regular person - I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be talking to me. And, I expected to be shot down by lightning or something less dramatic but still painful. But nope - nothing. Actually, at church Sunday, God reminded me of Peter, who Jesus chased down so that their relationship could be re-established after Peter betrayed Him. Betraying, blowing up - it's all the same. So, God responded with no lightning, but comfort. What?!?
Who is God that He does this?
Since Saturday, I've been haunted by mean and petty thoughts. Thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking, because I want to be a nice person. Maybe that is the point - God wants more for me than nice. He wants honest, nice. And, before honest nice comes honest. That's where I am at now.
It still doesn't feel very nice though.
I was pretty scared afterwards, at a loss really. If it were a regular person - I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be talking to me. And, I expected to be shot down by lightning or something less dramatic but still painful. But nope - nothing. Actually, at church Sunday, God reminded me of Peter, who Jesus chased down so that their relationship could be re-established after Peter betrayed Him. Betraying, blowing up - it's all the same. So, God responded with no lightning, but comfort. What?!?
Who is God that He does this?
Since Saturday, I've been haunted by mean and petty thoughts. Thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking, because I want to be a nice person. Maybe that is the point - God wants more for me than nice. He wants honest, nice. And, before honest nice comes honest. That's where I am at now.
It still doesn't feel very nice though.
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