Not a pleasure trip

I've been in turmoil. There is a conflict between the things I would love to do (ie explore Europe) and what seems to be happening with this trip. I'm here in Amden, at the Bartimaus Prayer House and I keep thinking about all the time I've been wasting. I've been sleeping a lot and haven't even been able to explore the area I'm in as much as I would like. And, I've kept thinking, what will I tell the people back home. I have no excuse for not galavanting around Europe, and it's what I want to do....why can't I bring myself to do it ?

I realized my problem this morning. I've been viewing this is a pleasure trip. It isn't. It is a trip that God brought me on for His own reasons. And, His plan isn't for me to explore Europe. Its for something else. Maybe lots of somethings else. The thing is I don't know the plan. And, that's hard....not knowing. Because it feels like I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not doing things and I'm not enjoying myself and I'm feeling bad about not enjoying myself. It gets messy. But, my perspective was wrong.

If I view this as a God healing and dealing with me trip, a lot of the turmoil clears up. It means that I don't have to worry about doing a lot. It means it is ok to feel crappy and tired because healing is often physically and emotionally painful. It means that my focus can be on connecting with God instead of figuring out what to do next (and feeling crappy because I can't get myself to do it).

All that being said - it still feels like I'm a big wimp, even though I know that it takes a lot of strength to be weak and depend on God. My hope remains in that this is all worth it, because I am coming out of the wilderness.

"Who is this coming out of the wilderness leaning on her Beloved." Songs 8:5